When I finally acknowledged my struggle with alcohol, it opened the door to reflect on my choices. For years, I chose to keep drinking, finding it easier to drown out my problems rather than confront them. It wasn’t until I embraced the truth of my alcoholism that I faced a crucial decision: Should I continue the cycle of drinking and feigning control, or should I stop?
I chose sobriety, not for myself, but for the sake of my children. During my darkest days of drinking, I had little regard for my own well-being. If it were just about me, I would have let my addiction consume me. Yet, I found the strength to acknowledge that I didn’t want my kids to witness that destruction.
I envisioned a life as a sober parent, but the reality is that sobriety hasn’t automatically made me a better parent, at least not yet. Although I was a high-functioning alcoholic, my pursuit of perfection and the weight of guilt and shame clouded my parenting. While I appeared to be a great parent on the surface, fueled by gin during playtime, alcohol masked my deeper struggles.
I often rationalized drinking by telling myself that managing my children was hard and that I deserved a drink, but it was also a way to maintain the illusion of engagement. I used hidden alcohol to navigate playdates and outings, thinking that as long as I had a drink in hand, I was present. However, I was only physically there, emotionally distant.
Now, in sobriety, I make sacrifices to prioritize my recovery. I miss bedtime to attend AA meetings and sometimes tell my kids I can’t join them until I complete my workout. I find myself snapping at them more often and recognize that I come across as less nurturing. I explain to my children that I’m working through difficult emotions, and while they know I love them, they can feel that this love is evolving.
Sobriety has forced me to confront feelings I had long avoided, including trauma from my past. I’ve had to reckon with my identity and embrace the truth that I am transgender. This journey of self-discovery, combined with parenting three young children, has been incredibly challenging. I’m raw and on edge, striving to become the parent I aspire to be.
While I acknowledge the benefits of sober parenting, I know the real transformations will take time. I’m learning to embrace discomfort and to be fully present without relying on substances. I want my kids to remember not just a sober parent but one who loved them enough to embark on a journey of self-love and healing.
As I navigate this path, I find solace in the fact that my children will one day look back and see the effort I put into becoming a better version of myself. They will remember a parent who prioritized their well-being and sought to cultivate a loving environment.
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In summary, sobriety is a challenging journey that doesn’t immediately result in better parenting. It requires ongoing effort, self-discovery, and the willingness to face uncomfortable truths, all while striving to be the best parent possible.