As a body-acceptance advocate on social media, I frequently receive heartfelt messages from women seeking guidance. Many reach out for a little encouragement regarding their postpartum bodies or advice on handling fatphobic remarks. However, the most heart-wrenching messages are those where someone pleads for help in learning to love themselves. Despite feeling inspired by my content, they struggle to turn that admiration inward.
Sadly, I’m not alone in receiving these kinds of messages; I often get multiple requests each day. This flood of vulnerable inquiries highlights how many women are yearning for healing that feels out of reach. The advice I find myself giving is somewhat unconventional but powerful: the journey toward self-love begins with allowing yourself to be angry.
From a young age, we are conditioned to believe that our worth lies outside of us. Whether through family, peers, or media messages, we learn that we must conform, achieve, and be universally liked to feel deserving of love. My own journey began when I was just eight years old, seeing my first weight loss ad. By age ten, my parents were concerned about my eating habits, and by twelve, I was on my first diet. By fifteen, I was engaging in harmful behaviors to control my weight.
Alongside these struggles, I faced verbal and physical abuse at home, relentless pressure to excel academically, and constant critiques about my appearance. I quickly internalized the belief that I had to become a version of myself that gained approval to be loved. Instead of channeling my anger towards those who inflicted trauma, I turned the blame on myself, a pattern many children in abusive environments experience.
You might think that the justifications I made as a child wouldn’t impact how I perceive societal pressures, but they are deeply intertwined. Growing up in a culture that demands external validation inevitably leads to feelings of unworthiness when we fail to meet unrealistic standards. This pressure only escalates with time, as we encounter even more unattainable ideals.
Many of us were taught that losing weight was the key to happiness and acceptance, leaving us with two choices: lose weight to be deserving or gain weight and face a less fulfilling life. As a young girl, I felt compelled to shrink myself to fit in, all while ignoring the natural changes my body was going through—changes that were conveniently omitted from health education.
The more I attempted to lose weight, the more anger bubbled inside me for not achieving it quickly enough. This frustration extended to academic comparisons and personal challenges, leading me to harm myself and suppress my true identity. As I transitioned into adulthood, I presented the most acceptable version of myself while battling harsh self-criticism.
Fast forward to today, and I am proud to be a plus-sized, unapologetic, and openly bisexual mother who shares her vulnerabilities with the world. I actively promote body positivity, challenge mental health stigmas, and embrace my identity on my own terms. I’ve discovered a profound love for myself that surpasses any fictional romance.
This transformation was ignited by my anger directed at the individuals and systems that misled me about my intrinsic worth. Importantly, I don’t channel this anger to harm others; instead, it fuels my quest for self-acceptance. Through therapy, I have navigated my feelings and reframed my inner dialogue, realizing that most of the shame I carried was not mine to own. It was imposed on me by others, and now I have the power to decide what stays and what goes.
Having committed to my self-love journey for over two years, I can confidently say that I’ve repaired my relationship with my body. I no longer criticize it, seek to make it smaller, or feel ashamed for its existence. I acknowledge that my past traumas may linger, but I view myself as a lovable work in progress.
I’m immensely grateful for the anger that sparked this journey. It has taught me that I can be both a survivor of trauma and a valuable member of society, regardless of my progress. This awakening has illuminated my inherent worth that exists independently of weight, achievements, or societal approval.
For more insights and support on this journey, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination at Kindbody. And if you’re looking for more personal stories and guidance, explore our blog for a deeper dive into self-love strategies.
Summary
The journey to self-love often begins with embracing anger toward societal pressures and personal trauma. By recognizing these feelings and working through them, it’s possible to shift the narrative from self-loathing to self-acceptance. This transformative process allows individuals to reclaim their worth and live authentically, free from the constraints of external validation.