My two boys have a collection of toy weapons that seems to multiply daily. Their arsenal includes an endless variety of swords, blasters, lightsabers, axes, and even a few “pirate swords.” They spend their days engaged in mock battles, wielding their toys against each other—most of the time with the swords clashing against one another but occasionally, a weapon makes unintended contact with a forehead. When my aunt visited, who isn’t accustomed to the antics of young children, she was immediately met with a whirlwind of sword fighting and couch jumping that would make Tom Cruise proud. She promptly started searching for nearby hotels.
“What, did she expect them to quietly color?” I asked my partner. “My sister and I used to do that, but it’s been ages since she’s been around kids. Did she think they’d behave like girls?”
I had no intention of being sexist. I recognize that girls can wield swords just as fiercely as boys. They can jump off furniture and engage in rough play, and they absolutely do not have to conform to traditional expectations like wearing dresses or playing with dolls. I encourage my sons to make their own choices, but the narrative of the late 20th century suggested that the only distinctions between boys and girls arose from how we raised them.
This, as it turns out, is a misconception.
You may have believed it was true, just as I once did. I made a concerted effort to provide my sons with dolls and stuffed toys, expecting them to nurture the pretend babies. However, the dolls were rarely treated as intended—most often, they were used to reinforce the walls of their forts. Despite my husband’s nurturing influence, my boys showed little interest in caring for dolls; they’d rather toss them across the room than pretend to feed them. My godson exhibits similar behavior, and so do many other boys I know—all of whom come from liberal households that would fully support a son’s desire to wear a dress. These anecdotes align with scientific findings, too.
Many researchers, as reported by Live Science, concur that the differences between male and female brains are largely inherent. “While we do socialize boys and girls differently, biology plays a role that cannot be ignored,” explains Dr. Alice Green, a psychology professor at State University. With over 25 years of experience studying gender cognition, she asserts that male brains are often wired for motor skills (which we parents might call “roughhousing”), while female brains tend to excel in analytical and intuitive thinking (for activities like drawing).
This is not to suggest that boys can’t be artistic or that girls lack physicality. My 3-year-old can spend hours drawing. And yes, I once broke my sister’s finger during a playful tussle at age eight. However, these general tendencies shape children’s behaviors in significant ways.
Research has consistently shown that women excel in verbal memory and social cognition, while men often have advanced motor and spatial skills. This disparity is why boys typically start talking later than girls; as they grow, girls often become the more talkative gender. Everyone knows that one little girl who talks non-stop and the boy who communicates primarily through grunts. My boys certainly went through that phase.
Studies also reveal that girls possess a greater ability to interpret emotions. A comprehensive review of over 100 studies found that “girls are generally better at deciphering emotions based on facial expressions.” This might explain why girls are often perceived as better-behaved than boys—they tend to pick up on caregivers’ emotional cues more effectively, thereby taking instructions to heart. Boys, on the other hand, may not grasp the seriousness of situations as easily. Of course, these are generalizations; sometimes my sons listen intently, and I know spirited girls who can be quite the handful. Overall, however, statistics from NEA Today indicate that girls tend to demonstrate superior social and behavioral skills from kindergarten onward, achieving better academic results too. Some of this can be attributed to socialization, but biological factors are also at play.
Indeed, we tend to parent boys and girls differently. We are more likely to gift boys a football and expect rambunctious behavior. Yet at the core, little boys and girls exhibit distinct biological differences. My sons show a clear preference for watching shows like Dinotrux and Dinosaur Train over My Little Pony, despite my efforts to introduce a variety of options. They simply gravitate toward what they enjoy and are more inclined to engage in rough play than artistic pursuits.
It’s important for progressive parents to shed any guilt over their sons playing rough with baby dolls or their daughters tucking toy trucks into bed. We can provide an array of toys—swords, princess dresses, you name it—but ultimately, boys will likely choose the swords while girls tend to opt for the dresses. This is rooted in biology, and that’s perfectly acceptable.
In conclusion, we can embrace the diversity of our children’s interests without guilt, recognizing that both biology and environment play essential roles in shaping who they are.
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