Just a few days ago, I spent nearly three hours navigating the complexities of consolidating my student loans, both online and over the phone. To my surprise, the experience was quite pleasant, thanks to the friendly and supportive customer service representative. The application process was straightforward, which provided a brief sense of relief.
However, as I finished, a wave of melancholy washed over me. It’s now 2017, a decade since I graduated from college. Ten years is a significant milestone, yet I still find myself burdened with $20,000 in student loan debt. While a portion of that stems from my master’s degree—most of which was covered by my husband’s job benefits—the reality of the debt feels overwhelming. What’s even heavier, though, is the guilt that weighs me down as a stay-at-home mom, knowing I’m not contributing financially to alleviate this burden.
My husband, a dedicated and selfless provider, comforts me during these moments of guilt. He reassures me, saying, “I’ve always supported you, and I’ll continue to do so.” In those times, I feel a swell of gratitude that rivals my guilt about him carrying the financial weight of degrees I’m not actively using.
Reflecting on my academic journey, I remember the hard work I put into financing my education. I chased every scholarship, worked tirelessly after high school to save, passed multiple CLEP tests to reduce tuition costs, maintained high grades to secure the Honor’s scholarship, and earned a room and board scholarship as a competitive resident assistant. Yet, despite all that effort, I still needed to take out loans.
Life took me in unexpected directions; I fell in love and married young. Ten years ago, I was surprised to be expecting twins as I walked across the graduation stage. My original plan was to teach, and after my twins turned 15 months, I pursued my master’s degree, graduating with a 3.9 GPA in just two years. I worked as an adjunct for over five years but ultimately stepped back last year due to the challenges of balancing motherhood and work.
Society often tells women they can achieve anything, yet every choice they make—good or bad—comes with consequences. I find myself reflecting on the last decade and all the decisions that have shaped my life. I ponder whether it was all worth it. I’ve never defaulted on my loans, nor do I seek government forgiveness for the degrees I chose to pursue.
But I delve deeper: Am I truly worth it? Now that I possess two costly diplomas that feel practically useless because I chose to embrace my role as a stay-at-home mom? Am I burdening my husband with my debt?
When guilt threatens to tip into regret, I remind myself of the wisdom my grandmother shared long ago. When I expressed my desire to become a mother—like her—she said, “Being a mother is wonderful. But always pursue an education; it’s essential for a woman. You never know what life may bring, and no one can take your education from you.”
That advice resonates with me today, even as my student loan debt looms over me. I’m learning to accept my choices: the university I attended, the loans I took, the decision to marry young, and the commitment to raise my children full-time. I acknowledge that not everyone has this privilege, and I’m grateful for the opportunities I’ve had.
However, the complexity of these choices can feel both financially and emotionally burdensome. I often find myself wishing I had made different decisions, but wishing does not change my current responsibilities. One thing I am certain of is this: I do not regret my education. Its value transcends monetary gain; it affirms my worth as a person.
As I think about my son with autism, ADHD, and learning disabilities, I advocate for his education not for the potential financial return but because he is valuable in his own right. Advocating for his education is an investment in his future, which reflects the intrinsic worth of education itself. Education enriches a person rather than detracts from them.
Although my education comes with a significant monthly payment, I recognize that it cannot be taken from me. It was a good and valuable choice. I look forward to the day when my children require me less, allowing me to use my education to give back and finally tackle those lingering student loans.
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In summary, while I navigate the challenges of student loan debt as a stay-at-home mom, I embrace my choices and the value of education in my life. The journey may be complicated, but the lessons learned are invaluable, and I remain grateful for the opportunities I have to invest in myself and my family.