One afternoon, when my first child, Lily, was nearly 2 years old, she turned diaper changing into a chaotic escapade. Instead of cooperating, she squirmed and giggled, delighting in her half-naked freedom. Unfortunately, we were pressed for time, and no amount of distraction or sternness could bring her back to reality. Frustrated and exhausted, I resorted to a light swat on her bottom—something I had always promised myself I wouldn’t do. I was overwhelmed and at my wit’s end.
In that moment, it hit me: I was punishing her for simply being a playful, learning toddler. Acknowledging that we were already late helped me shift my perspective. I decided to turn the diaper change into a silly game, and to my surprise, she jumped right in—fully dressed and ready to go out the door.
It’s easy to forget just how little our toddlers truly are, especially when they seem so advanced compared to their age. A national survey by Zero to Three reveals that many parents hold unrealistic expectations for the behavior of their toddlers. Children aged 2 and 3 are still developing self-control, which typically doesn’t begin to mature until around ages 3 or 4, and even then, it takes time for them to consistently apply it.
We often perceive toddlers as more capable than they really are, particularly the first child, who can seem mature compared to younger siblings. However, they are still tiny individuals exploring their world. While they may appear to be growing up fast, their cognitive and emotional development is still in the early stages.
Research from the University of Texas at Austin and New York University has shown that mothers who believe their children understand the rules and have the ability to control their behavior tend to resort to harsher disciplinary methods, such as spanking or threats. In contrast, moms who recognize their children’s developmental limitations generally adopt gentler teaching methods. Based on my experience, this compassionate approach fosters a more positive environment and leads to better long-term outcomes. It’s essential to understand that young children simply don’t have the capacity for consistent self-regulation. Recognizing this can help us respond to their behavior with greater empathy and utilize positive reinforcement strategies.
Punishing children for behavior that is typical for their age is not only unjust but also unproductive. It fails to teach them the importance of self-management. For additional resources on developing self-control during the toddler years, check out Zero to Three. Parenting toddlers can undoubtedly be challenging. I’ve navigated the ups and downs of three toddlers myself, and while they can be exhausting, they are also incredibly joyful and full of surprises. By viewing our children as little learners rather than little terrors, we can enjoy these formative years with less frustration—for both us and them.
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Summary
It’s crucial to acknowledge that toddlers are still learning to navigate their emotions and environment. Holding them to unrealistic behavioral standards only leads to frustration for both parents and children. By adopting a more understanding approach, we can help foster their growth while enjoying the delightful chaos of their early years.