I often hear that parents are getting it all wrong. According to various articles, media personalities, and parenting gurus, we are too lenient, which results in heightened stress levels for everyone involved. While I agree that there are certainly areas for improvement, I don’t align with the commonly suggested solutions that advocate for stricter discipline and less patience for “difficult” kids.
If I had a dime for every time I encountered a “difficult” child who grew into an adult with their own struggles, I would be wealthy. The notion of “badness” does not simply vanish; it surfaces later in life, often when one makes mistakes, even those that are entirely innocent. I don’t subscribe to the idea of bad children, nor do I believe that most parents are at fault. We are all somewhat caught up in a tangled web of societal expectations that conflict with our natural instincts and the fact that children are just trying to navigate their world.
Disclaimer: I am not a fan of traditional parenting experts. I firmly believe that the concept of “discipline” is interpreted very differently by those who advocate for strict methods.
This discussion isn’t about the various parenting styles or discipline techniques. It’s about fostering respect—not just between parents and children, but among all individuals. “Don’t be a jerk” is my guiding principle, and if I model this respect towards my kids and others, perhaps they will adopt it as their own mantra one day.
This respect doesn’t hinge on agreement. I can admire you without sharing your views. When I see you struggling with your upset child in the grocery store, I won’t judge you for a second.
We have lost the sense of community due to judgment and social pressure. It’s time to reclaim that sense of belonging.
What is Discipline?
So, what exactly is discipline, and why do we pursue it so fervently? When we think of discipline, we might picture a well-behaved child in a store, in stark contrast to a child throwing a tantrum. But what does discipline truly encompass?
Discipline, often equated with obedience, is fundamentally about a child’s ability to self-regulate and manage their emotions. However, not all children have the capacity to do this, and none can achieve it all the time. Spoiler alert: neither did we, evolutionarily speaking. We are wired to spend a lot of time in the care of our caregivers, syncing our heartbeats and breathing patterns with theirs.
Additionally, children are naturally opinionated. They deserve more respect than they typically receive—not in a way that means we cater to their every whim, but rather in a way that acknowledges their feelings.
This is often the crux of the matter. Parents who listen and don’t insist on blind obedience are often labeled as indulgent. Yet, there’s a significant difference between the traditional, obedience-based discipline and a model that focuses on respectful acknowledgment, which emphasizes long-term benefits over immediate compliance.
The Fear of Shame
One driving force behind our insistence on controlling behavior is a profound fear of shame, especially in public settings. While we may feel anxious when our child misbehaves at home, that stress is magnified in social situations. Humans are particularly sensitive to feelings of shame, having evolved to experience it as a non-confrontational response to group dynamics.
Instead of understanding that children have strong feelings and need assistance in calming down, we frequently hear harsh judgments like “What kind of parent allows their child to act this way?” The truth is, the same kind of parent who recognizes that a tantrum reflects an unmet need or an emotional struggle. Children aren’t inherently “bad”; they merely need assistance in expressing themselves and shouldn’t fear doing so.
Let’s be honest: I’m also frustrated when I can’t indulge in twelve bags of marshmallows. I just have learned to manage my impulses better.
Listening to Our Children
If we wish for our children to confide in us about significant issues as they age, we must first listen to their concerns about the smaller matters today. Although the blue sippy cup or marshmallows might seem trivial to us, they are monumental in the eyes of a child. These early experiences shape their future attitudes and behaviors.
Understanding this perspective is crucial, but it’s essential to distinguish between acknowledgment and agreement. Just because we validate a child’s feelings doesn’t mean we give in to all their demands. Respectful parenting encourages dialogue, disagreement, and compromise. It prioritizes love over judgment—just as we would hope to be treated by others when our children are having tough moments.
Breaking the Cycle of Judgment
Where do we think such harsh judgments stem from? They are not innate; they are learned behaviors passed down through generations. We can show kindness to those who parent differently, just as we can extend love and respect to our children, even when they oppose us. In our families, one person doesn’t have to be wrong for the other to be right.
Children might not always see eye to eye with us; they may express their frustrations publicly, declaring their dislike for us in the moment. However, if they feel safe arguing over marshmallows now, they are more likely to voice their concerns in the future about more significant issues. Empowering children to share their opinions, while helping them find respectful ways to do so, fosters a positive pattern of communication. Love and closeness communicate unconditional acceptance, not just when they are “good.”
Goodness isn’t defined by behavior; it’s an inherent quality in each person. All children are good, even if they sometimes make questionable choices—just like we do. Nobody is flawless. The mother yelling at her child in the store is likely facing her own challenges. She isn’t a bad parent.
Building Empathy Through Kindness
Building empathy and respect through kindness and modeling behavior—rather than simply demanding obedience—will do more to resolve conflicts now and in the future than traditional discipline methods ever could. Children are capable of far more than we often recognize, but when we treat each other with judgment and harshness, we inadvertently set the same tone for our interactions with them.
The pressure for quick fixes dissipates when we create a supportive community that uplifts parents rather than subjects them to scrutiny.
The loss of community due to judgment is a significant issue. We all have the power to strive for a better environment.
Resources for Support
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Summary
This article discusses the importance of respect in parenting, challenging the norms of authoritarian and permissive styles. It emphasizes that discipline should focus on understanding and acknowledging children’s feelings rather than merely enforcing obedience. By fostering a loving and supportive environment, we can help children develop healthy communication skills and emotional regulation while promoting empathy and kindness in our communities.