If there was ever a face for postpartum anxiety, it was definitely mine.
On our first night home with our baby, my mind buzzed like a beehive, filled with doubt and fear that only intensified as our little one cried. It was 3:30 a.m., and I was drowning in chaos. I remember gripping the crib bars, convinced that we were in over our heads. My son was hungry again, needed to be swaddled again, and I desperately needed to pump. Again.
Swaddle, feed, pump, repeat — I hadn’t slept in over 24 hours. Just two days post-delivery, I felt like I was buckling under the weight of motherhood.
“Sweetheart,” my partner, Jake, gently interrupted. “I’m concerned about you. The sun will be up soon. Just rest, okay? I can take over.”
I watched as he changed a diaper, poured breast milk into a bottle, and sat down in the rocking chair. But my anxiety surged. Those diaper tabs weren’t aligned properly! The baby would leak! Did he just shake the milk? My goodness, what if he didn’t clean the parts correctly? Bacteria could harm the baby! And he wasn’t even supporting the baby’s head…NO, NO, NO!
“UGH, let me handle it!” I snapped. “You’re not doing it right anyway.”
Jake stood up and handed the baby back to me. “Oh…okay. Sorry.” He kissed us both and went back to bed. As I rocked our son to sleep for what felt like the tenth time, Jake began snoring, and in what should have been a joyful moment, resentment started to build.
Over the next year, I noticed Jake becoming less involved in our son’s daily care. I heard him calling my name to change countless diapers and felt his gentle nudges to get up. “Honey, the baby is awake.”
If I were to paint him as selfish, I could easily do so. But that wasn’t the whole story at all.
The anxiety, the exhaustion, and the relentless stress clouded my judgment. I neglected to see the full picture: a husband who was stepping back, fearing his efforts would be criticized. A father who stood behind me at the changing table, wanting to help but feeling like he’d only mess it up. A man who learned to stay in bed because every time he tried to help, I’d swoop in to correct him.
Jake wasn’t perfect — who is? But my tightly wound disposition made it impossible for me to allow him to find his footing as a dad. As a result, he withdrew, defeated.
Three years have passed since that turbulent time, and I still feel a pang of sadness. It pains me to think that a new mom was weighed down by mental health struggles, while a devoted dad had his confidence eroded by his partner. We both lost out on the dynamic duo we could have been from the start.
Anxiety and exhaustion? They are deceitful enemies. They whisper to mothers that they alone can get the toddler to nap or that if they don’t change that diaper now, it will leak. They convince moms that no one else can manage the baby, especially not Dad.
And sometimes, we believe those lies, don’t we?
Every day, I hear tales about absent fathers, and it seems like an epidemic. Sure, there are some not-so-great dads out there, but I wonder if sometimes, the issue stems from moms feeling overwhelmed and trying to control every aspect of their child’s care. I wonder if dads, like Jake, think they are being respectful by stepping back when asked. I wonder if families, like ours, are just lost in the haze of anxiety, struggling to find their way.
What I now see, clearly, is that Jake wasn’t trying to step back from fatherhood; he genuinely loves being a dad. I was the one pushing him away.
If I can pass on one message to parents out there, it’s this: Don’t let anxiety and stress drive your partner away from their role as a parent. Seek help if necessary. Embrace the differences in how you both approach parenting. Stick together and support each other. You deserve that partnership, and it will make you both stronger parents. Don’t rob yourselves of the joy that comes from parenting as a team.
For more insights and support, check out our post about navigating your couples fertility journey here. You can also find valuable information at The Center, a fantastic resource for pregnancy and home insemination. Plus, if you’re looking for top-notch diapers, take a look at this award-winning article for recommendations.
In summary, postpartum anxiety can create unnecessary barriers between partners. Recognizing and addressing these challenges can strengthen your relationship and enhance your parenting journey together.