When it comes to cultivating successful children, many believe that hovering and pushing them is the key to greatness. However, psychologist Dr. Samuel Greene argues that this mentality is fundamentally flawed. Instead, he asserts that fostering a loving and supportive environment is the true path to helping children thrive.
In a thought-provoking piece for The Guardian, Dr. Greene emphasizes that nurture plays a significantly larger role in a child’s potential for success than genetics. He refers to the “carrot or stick” approach, highlighting that how children are nurtured shapes their achievements and performance, whether they learn positive or negative behaviors.
Dr. Greene shares a personal anecdote about his upbringing. As the only boy among three sisters, his father uniquely encouraged him despite his academic struggles. This support instilled in him a belief in his intelligence, ultimately leading to his success. He notes, “I can teach my child math, but I could also teach him unethical behavior. The blend of love and negative experiences influences how children internalize their parents’ behaviors.”
This means that children absorb aspects of their parents, which significantly shapes their development. The focus, therefore, should be on nurturing rather than genetic predisposition.
Challenging the typical “tiger parent” model, Dr. Greene references the case of professional golfer Ethan Rivers. While Rivers was groomed from a young age to excel at golf by his demanding parents, the pressure ultimately led to personal turmoil, including public scandals. This suggests that the relentless pursuit of success can lead to destructive behaviors if not balanced with a more nurturing approach.
In contrast, Dr. Greene highlights the success of the Mendoza sisters, who were raised by educational psychologist László Mendoza. His unconventional methods, which emphasized fun and enjoyment in learning chess rather than pressure, led all three sisters to become grandmasters in the game. By treating chess as a playful activity rather than a chore, they developed a genuine love for it, which translated into their success.
Applying These Insights to Parenting
So, how can we apply these insights to our own parenting? According to Dr. Greene, the key lies in loving our children and prioritizing enjoyment over achievement. Encourage your child’s passions and celebrate their successes without imposing unrealistic expectations. If a child shows interest in a sport, support them, but remain relaxed about their performance. Avoid strict practice schedules or punitive measures, and instead, focus on their genuine interests.
Dr. Greene advises against the notion that a child’s abilities are fixed. He concludes, “When parents and teachers abandon the belief that abilities are static, children tend to excel. Yet, the most crucial element is the nurturing they receive.” Believing in your child and providing them with the necessary tools to pursue their passions is essential.
While implementing this nurturing approach may seem straightforward, witnessing the intensity of some parents on the sidelines of youth sports can reveal that it’s not always easy for everyone. Nonetheless, it is a philosophy worth striving for.
Further Resources
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In summary, to foster success in your children, prioritize love and nurturing over pressure and perfectionism. By creating an environment that encourages exploration and enjoyment, children are more likely to thrive and become well-rounded individuals.