Years ago, I found myself harboring a secret crush on a female friend. At the time, I was married to a man and firmly believed I was heterosexual, making this crush both confusing and unsettling. I tried to convince myself that my feelings were just a fluke—a mere glitch in my otherwise straight identity.
I came up with various justifications for my emotions: perhaps my friend was simply someone I admired for her intelligence, or maybe I was projecting feelings due to past experiences. I thought maybe it was just the result of some mid-life crisis, or I was experiencing transference—like when a therapy patient develops feelings for their therapist. Yet, none of these rationalizations addressed the root of my feelings regarding my sexuality.
As I was crafting a sex scene for my novel inspired by this crush, I realized that my only knowledge of lesbian intimacy stemmed from my own anxious fantasies. It prompted me to do a little research. My first attempt was on YouTube, using the innocent search term “girls kissing.” I didn’t realize that YouTube’s content policies would limit me. My initial search was conducted while I was parked at my daughter’s pre-kindergarten, a local Baptist church.
Eventually, I broadened my search to “movies with realistic lesbian sex scenes,” leading me to the film Blue Is the Warmest Color. Watching the intense scenes from that film was a revelation; I realized I was no longer just observing for writing purposes. However, I still wasn’t ready to face the truth about my own sexuality.
It dawned on me that I should explore actual adult content. I stumbled through searches using terms like “girl-on-girl” and “women together,” landing on porn made for men that repulsed me. However, I eventually found more authentic representations of women connecting intimately, which elicited a mix of confusion, longing, and embarrassment for not knowing this side of myself earlier. Despite the awakening, I still hesitated to label myself as gay.
To better understand my own feelings, I decided to experiment with various types of content—heterosexual, lesbian, and more. I found that traditional heterosexual porn left me feeling disgusted, while the portrayals of women together captivated me in a way that felt unfair. It was infuriating that I had been unaware of this aspect of my identity for so long.
Describing this awakening to someone who hasn’t experienced it is challenging. It was more than a simple desire; it was an identity revelation. I attended Pride events, feeling a profound connection to the LGBTQ+ community while struggling with my own invisibility.
Two years ago, I began a relationship with my partner, Sam, who identifies as nonbinary. This opened up new avenues I hadn’t previously considered. I found myself questioning whether my attraction to a nonbinary person meant I was pansexual, but honestly, I didn’t care about labels. I felt more at home than ever.
With Sam, I learned the difference between being desired and experiencing genuine desire. I had never felt that deep, internal craving to connect with someone until I met them. Unlike my previous relationships with men, where I only sought validation, this was different.
While I could have eventually come to terms with my sexuality without adult content, it certainly accelerated the process. I understand that porn can have its drawbacks, including unrealistic expectations and potential exploitation. However, for me, it served as a tool to break down the walls that obscured my true self, and for that, I’m grateful.
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Search Queries:
- How to explore bisexuality
- Signs of queer identity
- Lesbian intimacy and connection
- Understanding pansexuality
- Navigating sexual awakening
In summary, my journey of self-discovery was significantly influenced by exploring adult content, which helped me uncover layers of my identity that had been hidden. It provided clarity and understanding in ways that I hadn’t anticipated, pushing me toward acceptance of who I truly am.