As a parent of an 8-year-old and 6-year-old twins, mealtime often feels like a culinary battlefield. My kids snack like there’s a food shortage looming, only to devour dinner as if they haven’t eaten all day. If they keep up this pace, I’m not sure how I’ll afford to keep their bellies full.
This wouldn’t be so bad if their table manners improved. Trust me, I’ve put in the effort. Since they could hold food, I’ve enforced “please” and “thank you,” promoted utensil use, and reminded them to chew with their mouths closed. Despite my best efforts, dinnertime remains an absolute disaster.
- Food Hair, Don’t Care
I can’t handle finding hair in my food; it completely ruins my appetite, even if it’s my own. Yet, my youngest seems to have a knack for eating with her hair in her mouth, almost using it like a built-in floss while enjoying her meal. She manages to drop sauce on her hair like it’s art, and believe me, if you think she won’t slurp the remnants off her ponytail, you’ve never dined with us. My son doesn’t help either, as he somehow manages to get food in his hair by touching his face and head. Meanwhile, my other child has a talent for wiping her face on her napkin and then putting food back in her eyebrows. - Chairs Are a Mystery
Why do kids fall off chairs so frequently? One moment they’re balancing and spinning, the next they’re under the table, sobbing over gravity’s betrayal. Usually, they knock their plates down in the process, so I often suggest they just stay on the floor to finish eating—unless the dog beats them to it. - The Dog Ate My Food
Of course, the dog devoured your meal. When you wave your hot dog like a conductor’s baton only to drop it, the dog will swoop in. - This Burger Tastes Like Farts
It’s not dinnertime until someone mentions poop at least 27 times. Just the other night, my son paused mid-conversation to let one rip, claiming, “I don’t know, but that gift was for you.” His comedic timing is impeccable, even amidst my frustration. - Sitting Is Overrated
Getting my kids to remain seated for a mere 12 minutes is a challenge. I insist they stay put while chewing, but my son can’t resist wandering off to “get steps in.” When they leave the table, I assume they’re finished, but really, they’re just distracted by the allure of the living room. - Alexa! Play Something Loud!
One way to drown out the chaos is by cranking up the music. The kids love yelling at Alexa to turn it up, drowning out the sounds of chewing and crying. - Gravity Is a Nuisance
Yes, son, I’m just as shocked by your fall as you are. - This Is Disgusting
Despite our pediatrician’s encouragement to try new foods, my kids possess a unique taste that renders their favorites inedible. “Peanut butter’s in the cupboard, go for it!” But no, a yogurt tube and Halloween candy for dinner is not happening. - Alexa! Turn It Down!
By the end of dinner, I feel like a zombie, but at least I can still hear. I can’t afford another Tylenol after the latest Post Malone song. - Unwanted Conversations
I strive for meaningful conversations about their day, but even the most creative questions yield little. My dialogue quickly devolves into reminders: eat with your mouth closed, sit down, eat over your plate, and seriously, why all the farting? I’m at my wit’s end.
Despite my attempts to create quality family time, it often feels like a form of torture. My kids are living their best lives, while I’m just hoping to survive the dinner hour. Please pass the salt—and the Tylenol.
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Summary
Dinnertime can be a chaotic experience, filled with food fights, unexpected dog interventions, and kids who seem to have no concept of sitting still. Despite efforts to enforce manners, the reality often involves laughter, spills, and the sweet sound of sibling rivalry. While it’s a challenge, these moments are part of family life—chaotic but undeniably memorable.