As a mother of two wonderful children, I’ve navigated the ups and downs of parenting. My youngest will turn four this summer, yet I only stopped breastfeeding him last January. The weaning process was a significant challenge, leaving me emotionally drained and physically overwhelmed. It was an experience filled with tears on both sides.
When my husband and I learned we were expecting our third child, I found myself grappling with feelings of anxiety and dread about the prospect of breastfeeding again, which only added to my guilt. Some moms might be perplexed that I, having successfully nursed a toddler, still struggle with breastfeeding apprehension. However, even before my baby arrives, I feel weary just thinking about the breastfeeding journey ahead.
My Breastfeeding Journey
My firstborn spent his initial weeks in the NICU and had to learn to feed via a tube. My husband and I stayed by his side, advocating for the use of my breast milk during feedings. We dedicated ourselves to skin-to-skin contact, attempting countless times to get him to latch. It was heartbreaking to feel like breastfeeding was a failure, but we were enamored with our baby’s resilience, allowing me to set aside my breastfeeding disappointments.
In contrast, my second child latched on right away and continued nursing until he was nearly three. While breastfeeding isn’t my favorite activity, it created a profound bond between us. Although we no longer nurse, I still feel that instinct to comfort him, whether by holding him close or singing soothing lullabies.
The Emotional Toll of Breastfeeding
Throughout nearly three years of breastfeeding, I often felt that my body was no longer my own. My arms, lap, and breasts seemed to belong to my child. Societal expectations suggest that mothers should be selfless and completely devoted, but I found myself fatigued and overwhelmed, dealing with clogged ducts and nursing schedules that dictated my life. My husband’s affection sometimes felt complicated because my breasts were off-limits, creating a sense of discomfort.
As I approached the end of my breastfeeding journey with my youngest, I started experiencing a familiar sensation — the skin crawls, an emotional signal often recognized by mothers indicating it’s time to wean. Listening to my body, I sought various gentle weaning methods, eventually consulting a lactation expert who helped me create a plan to transition away from nursing. It was an emotional farewell to a complex yet beautiful chapter.
Looking Ahead
Let me clarify: despite the challenges, I cherish the breastfeeding experience with my youngest, which fostered our strong bond. However, the emotional toll and pressure to succeed, especially from family, have left me anxious as I near my final pregnancy. I worry about failing again, and whether I’ll enjoy the experience as I should. My husband reassures me by pointing out that we have two healthy and happy children. He reminds me that even if breastfeeding doesn’t go as planned, it’s not the end of the world — our baby will receive nourishment, and my concern is a reflection of my care as a mother.
Breastfeeding is far more than a simple act; it’s a complex emotional and physiological journey for both mother and child. If complications arise, they can leave lasting emotional scars. Having experienced that pain, I still carry the weight of those memories. As I eagerly await the arrival of my third child, I’m working to calm my nerves about breastfeeding. I remind myself that it may work out, or it may not, but ultimately, we will all be okay.
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In summary, while the breastfeeding journey can be fraught with challenges and emotions, each experience is unique. As I prepare for my third baby, I remain hopeful and open to whatever the breastfeeding journey may hold.