How’s your day going? Oh wait, I know you’re having a blast. You’re munching on a bowl of Goldfish, a handful of Runts, and totally absorbed in LEGO Star Wars. Life is pretty great, huh?
But I want to take a moment to share something important with you because life isn’t always filled with sweetness and joy — and my life is often far from it. You deserve to understand.
I deal with a condition — a mental health issue — that impacts me every single day. I know this may sound confusing since I don’t appear sick. I’m not lying in bed or showing visible symptoms like a fever or cough. I look and sound just fine, right? But not all illnesses are visible, my darling. Some, like mine, don’t come with clear signs, and they can’t be cured with love and comfort.
I’m grappling with depression, and I want you to know what that means. When you ask, “What is depression? Are you okay, Mommy? Do you need medicine? Can we play?” — those are wonderful questions, and I wish I could give you straightforward answers. Unfortunately, depression is complicated.
Depression affects both my body and mind. You can’t catch it like a cold or pass it along like pinkeye. Thankfully, there are treatments available, and most days I manage well. (That means when I’m okay, I’m truly okay!) However, there are times when my depression flares up, leaving me feeling achy, tired, teary, irritable, and far from my best self. On those days, I struggle to find the energy to play or even take a walk to the park.
It pains me to know that my struggles impact you. At just three years old, you not only need my attention; you crave it. You long for me to be fully present, and I know that sometimes I fall short. I might be physically there, but my mind feels miles away, and I’m deeply sorry for that.
I want you to understand that I’m not apologizing for my depression — it’s a health condition beyond my control. But I do regret how it affects you. I’m sorry for any moments you’ve felt neglected or unimportant. I regret the canceled playdates, the missed meals together, the fun we could have had that didn’t happen. I wish we could have danced more, played more, and had those magical tea parties you love.
There are days when I’m too engulfed in sadness and self-doubt to truly engage, and I can only imagine how that makes you feel. It breaks my heart to think you might think my struggles are somehow your fault. Please, let me make this clear: my feelings, my moods, my illness — none of it is your doing.
While I know this may be confusing, I want you to know I’m committed to getting better. I’ll keep working on understanding my depression and communicating with you about it. I aim to be the loving, attentive mom you deserve, despite the tough days ahead. Always remember, my love for you is unwavering, and no matter what happens, my depression is not your fault.
On those difficult days, please remember that I love you endlessly, and my struggles are not a reflection of you.
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In summary, my precious child, I want you to know that while my depression can be difficult, it is not your fault. I will always strive to be the best mom I can be, and I love you more than words can express.