Scene: After settling the kids down for the night, I head into the master bedroom with my laptop to tackle some work. My partner is in there too, just starting to fold a load of laundry. He took the initiative to start folding without any prompting from me, and I truly appreciate that. I don’t want to come across as indifferent while he’s busy, so I decide to pitch in and help.
He folds one more item before picking up the remote to browse through Netflix. He keeps flipping through the options, struggling to decide what to watch. Meanwhile, I manage to fold most of the laundry. After a while, he gives up on finding something to watch and returns to folding. Once he finishes the small pile in front of him, he walks away to take a shower. There are still some clothes left in the basket, but most of the folding is “done.” However, the piles of folded clothes on the bed still need to be moved to the kids’ baskets for tomorrow, and there are dryer sheets, bits of lint, and unmatched socks scattered on the floor.
My partner either doesn’t see these details or assumes I will handle them. My cheeks feel warm. I want to be angry. I am angry—at least, I think I should be. Is it unreasonable to feel this way? Shouldn’t I be grateful for the effort he made?
But hold on a second. Why do I feel guilty for being upset about this instead of recognizing that he needs to contribute more? It’s just one load of laundry. Maybe I should just let it slide. I recall reading somewhere that keeping track of who does more in a relationship can harm a couple’s happiness. Apparently, it’s frowned upon to keep score, as it makes you seem petty and ungrateful. As a loving partner, I’m supposed to appreciate whatever he contributes while ensuring we have a healthy physical relationship.
I can’t help but think that the person who suggested we shouldn’t keep score was likely a man—a man who didn’t want to be held accountable for his part of the chores. This advice seems to have brainwashed many, including some psychologists, into thinking it’s unreasonable to notice when one partner is doing the lion’s share of the work.
To clarify, my partner is not lazy. He genuinely wants to help and is a good man who puts in effort around the house, especially given his upbringing where he had household help. But sometimes, his “help” feels more like channel surfing while I’m doing most of the work, and then he walks away when he thinks he’s done enough.
The frustration I feel isn’t solely about my partner; it’s about my hesitance to address his lack of contribution. After stewing over it for several hours, I realized I should’ve done what he did—walked away when I felt I’d done my part or, even better, not touched a single sock. I was delaying my actual work to assist him with a task he could do independently. If he had been engrossed in work on his laptop, I wouldn’t expect him to stop and help me fold clothes, nor would he feel obligated to jump up and assist me.
Generally, men don’t think about these things. (I said “generally.” If you or your partner are among the few who’ve evolved beyond this, I’m not referring to you.) This behavior? I’m calling it micro-laziness. It’s a subtler form of laziness that’s frustrating because it’s harder to address. When men do help, we’re expected to be thankful, even if they only did part of the job.
This societal gaslighting makes us feel as though we should be grateful for any help because men are doing more than their fathers did. If we express dissatisfaction, we’re labeled nags or ungrateful. But we need to continue voicing our concerns; expecting a more equitable division of labor is not unreasonable. Your partner can handle it, and your relationship will benefit from it.
For more insights on home insemination and fertility, check out this post on boosting fertility supplements. It’s also important to understand the timing of intimacy in relation to ovulation; you might find this guide on when to have sex after the LH surge useful. For comprehensive information on pregnancy, visit the CDC’s pregnancy resource.
In Summary
Demanding equal share in household responsibilities isn’t petty; it’s essential for a healthy relationship. Couples can thrive when both partners contribute equally, making for a harmonious home environment.