Let’s take a moment to appreciate how truly remarkable you are. If I didn’t feel that way, I wouldn’t have chosen to spend my life with you—after all, I have a knack for making great choices. However, there’s an important topic we need to address.
Your Bathroom Habits
It’s about your bathroom habits. To put it simply, they could use some improvement, and I mean that in more ways than one.
I completely understand that nature calls when it calls. But here’s the catch: I can’t help but notice the uncanny timing of your urgent needs. Like, for instance, when we pull into the driveway after a grocery run, and suddenly, your body is in a state of emergency. You dash inside to “take care of business,” leaving me with a car full of groceries to manage alone. Shockingly (or maybe not), this urgency also seems to strike at other inconvenient moments, like during the chaotic bedtime routine with the kids, or right when you’ve promised to tackle the dishes. It feels a little too … convenient.
We’re both adults with years of experience in this department. So it’s hard for me to believe that you absolutely cannot hold it together for just a few more minutes. Believe it or not, I’m in the same boat—I also have to go sometimes. Yet, I often find myself waiting for the right moment to address it. You’d be surprised at how many times I’ve sat in a drop-off line, clenching my cheeks, wishing the cars ahead of me would hurry up before I have to make a mad dash.
Throughout my adult life, I’ve managed to avoid any embarrassing moments—at least on my end; the kids are a different matter. When there’s something pressing to handle, I make it work before I hit the restroom.
To clear things up: I’m not claiming to have some superhuman control over my bodily functions; I’m just a normal person with typical bowel patterns. So, your sudden and dramatic need to rush to the bathroom is a little suspicious.
Moreover, there’s a significant gap between the urgency you profess and the amount of time you actually spend on the throne. Typically, when someone is on the verge of an accident, as you claim to be every time, they shouldn’t be lounging there, scrolling through their phone for thirty minutes. It seems more like a session of Candy Crush or scrolling through your social media feeds rather than a true “emergency.” A genuine urgent situation wouldn’t leave you sitting there long enough for your legs to fall asleep!
While you’re enjoying those lengthy moments of solitude in the bathroom, I’m left juggling the more pressing matters—like putting away groceries before they spoil, wrangling the kids into bed, or dealing with dishes before they become a crusty challenge.
Oh, and let’s not forget the exhaust fan, which you often neglect to turn on. While you might be fine marinating in your own aromas, the rest of us would appreciate some fresh air, especially when the scent begins to waft into the hallway.
I hope this sheds some light on the situation.
Here’s the Deal
You may consider yourself the king of bathroom breaks, but your timing is driving me up the wall. Remember these three points:
- Be considerate and mindful of your timing.
- The bathroom isn’t your personal paradise.
- If you’re there long enough to lose feeling in your legs, then maybe it wasn’t an emergency after all.
I’m sharing this link so you can read it during your next bathroom visit, as we all know where you’ll likely be.
With Affection and Concern,
Your Wife
In Summary
While it’s natural to have bathroom needs, it’s important to be mindful of timing and the impact it has on family life. Let’s work together to ensure that the bathroom remains a space for necessity, not a personal retreat.