I want to address some important matters with you that have been weighing on my mind. It’s challenging to share these feelings, partly because I feel a sense of shame—shame that I wasn’t aware of these issues until they impacted my family. I worry about subtle reactions that may indicate you’re not a safe ally for my child. I fear that you might not believe my experiences, which would leave me feeling even more frustrated than if I had stayed silent. However, my son is growing up, transitioning from an adorable little boy into a strong young man, and I know the perceptions of him will shift. That’s why I need your help to ensure his safety.
We have ongoing conversations with our son about safety. We teach him to respect authority figures, to keep his hands visible, and to avoid actions like wearing a hood or cutting through backyards while playing. We’re striving to balance fostering his pride in his identity with the understanding that not everyone will see him as we do. Some will label him as a “thug” before knowing his name, story, or potential.
The reality is that despite our best efforts to protect him, there may come a time when your child is involved in a situation that affects my son. As the parents of a white friend to my Black child, it’s vital for you to discuss racism with your child. Talk about the assumptions that people might make regarding my son, and what they should do if they witness injustice.
It’s easy for a family in a predominantly white environment to adopt a “colorblind” stance, feeling enlightened and progressive. But teaching your children to be colorblind may deprive them of the understanding needed to navigate the unique challenges my son faces. If you claim that racism is a relic of the past, you’re not helping us. Just because you haven’t encountered blatant racism doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist; it’s alive and well.
Consider this: two weeks ago, I had to discuss racial slurs directed at my son with his school principal. We were grateful for how seriously they took the matter, and it’s a victory that he felt safe enough to report it, as many kids don’t. It’s troubling to think we live in a post-racial society when a neighbor once called Child Protective Services because my children were playing in the same way as their white peers. The ridiculousness of this complaint was quickly established, but the trauma of a social worker showing up at our home is something we still grapple with. The neighbor likely doesn’t see himself as racist; however, the difference in perceptions—where white children are just “playing,” but children of color raise alarms—highlights a concerning bias.
So, I urge you, white parents, to have conversations about racism with your children. If they see my son being bullied or subjected to racial slurs, they need to stand by him. They must understand how threatening such situations can be and not dismiss them lightly. If your child is playing soccer with mine and law enforcement approaches, please encourage them to stay by his side. Be a witness. In those moments, they should demonstrate extra care and respect, as my son may not be afforded the same leniency for mistakes.
Please treat my son with respect. Avoid inappropriate gestures, such as touching his hair out of curiosity or trying to use slang in a way that feels humorous. If you’re contemplating a joke that could be perceived as offensive, just don’t share it. Your children are learning from you constantly, even in your humor. Be mindful of the media messages they encounter about race, and engage in difficult discussions about what’s happening in the world without shying away from these important topics.
Be an advocate for this incredible boy who has shared meals at your table, sat beside your son at church, and celebrated birthdays with your family. He is not merely an exception; he does not have the privilege of being shielded by my whiteness. His life, like all lives, is valuable and created with purpose. I genuinely believe that when white parents begin discussing these critical issues with their children, that’s when real change can occur.
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In summary, I implore you to engage in these discussions and stand alongside my son. He deserves the same respect and opportunities as any other child, and by working together, we can help foster a safer and more understanding environment for all.