Can you do self-insemination at home ?
It feels odd to refer to you as such. In my heart, I’ve never truly had guardians. You may have been present physically, but emotionally, you were absent.
For years, I’ve wrestled with anger. You were correct in identifying my struggle; I do indeed grapple with feelings of rage. Being told to suppress negative emotions, shamed for expressing pain, and manipulated into doubting my reality has created a tangled web of anger within me. You taught me that anger equated to being a bad person, while you were allowed to express your volatility and verbal abuse. This contradiction left me feeling lost, questioning my own sanity and worthiness of life.
I have often felt more anger directed at myself. Why wasn’t I lovable enough? Why wasn’t I attractive enough? Why wasn’t I interesting enough? In my mind, I concluded it must be my fault. You instilled the lesson that you were never accountable for your actions. I became a diligent student in taking on the blame for your shortcomings.
But I was merely a child. You were the adults. The responsibility could never rest on my shoulders.
I understand I wasn’t the ideal child at times. I may have caused stress, and you had your own struggles that made parenting overwhelming. Yet, none of that absolves you of your faults.
I have longed for genuine apologies from you. I would consider reconnecting if I believed you had transformed. However, your apologies feel insincere, offered merely to appease rather than to express real remorse. You seem to hope I will forget the past and we can return to a flawed “normal.” However, your version of normal is anything but acceptable to me. I have no desire to regress to a place where I loathed myself, felt fearful, and believed I was unworthy of love.
Your apologies often inflict more pain than silence would. You seem to operate under the belief that parents should not have to apologize to their children. When your apologies come with demands for me not to feel upset, it becomes clear to me that my hope for your change is futile. You think parents should always be right, and children must respect them unconditionally.
I did respect you. They say respect is earned, but I believe that disrespect is earned, too. While I would never be cruel, I find it impossible to respect individuals who continuously harm their own children, exploiting their forgiveness rather than cherishing the opportunity for reconciliation.
The last time I saw you, Mom, you made a passive-aggressive remark, wishing that nothing would go awry in my future parenting. I understood your hidden message—that you hope my children will distance themselves from me, so you can avoid accountability. Similarly, Dad, your last letter spoke of the hardships of parenting, implying that I will understand you better if I struggle too, thereby absolving you of guilt.
These statements wounded me deeply. They invalidated my feelings and shattered any dreams I had of you changing.
And in that pain, I want to express my gratitude.
Thank you, Mom and Dad, for illustrating the significance of adults owning up to their mistakes with children. Thank you for showing me that respect must be earned, not given blindly. Thank you for demonstrating that parents are responsible for their actions, regardless of their personal struggles. Thank you for teaching me that apologies must be heartfelt and followed by actions that foster safety and trust.
Thank you for your lessons, as they will guide me in my own parenting journey. If I ever inadvertently hurt my children, I will not hesitate to admit my wrongs. I will recognize their maturity and perspective. Above all, my children will know they can approach me without fear of being manipulated. I want them to associate safety and open dialogue with their parent.
Thank you for showing me how NOT to parent.
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In summary, this letter reflects a journey of realization, acceptance, and the importance of accountability in parent-child relationships. It is a testament to the lessons learned from painful experiences, shaping a future of nurturing and supportive parenting.