As you passionately discussed the virtues of finely diced onions in egg salad last night, it struck me that we might not be aligned on what constitutes a worthwhile use of my time. With a full-time job consuming at least 40 hours a week—most of my waking hours, really—I find myself scrambling for moments to socialize, wash my face, or even sneak in a bathroom break without our child’s constant attention. After spending an hour soothing her to sleep every night, I’m left with a handful of hours before I need to retire for the evening. Hence, it’s time for you to embrace what I like to call the ECONOMY OF CONVERSATION.
I adore you and enjoy our chats, but I simply lack the time or mental space for topics that do not engage me. Remember that article I shared about the mental load and how the skewed distribution of emotional labor is rapidly impacting marriages? You might not recall it since I sent it six times, but I’ll send it again tonight. Part of managing the mental load involves reading such material, although I wouldn’t expect you to grasp that.
Topics Now Officially Off-Limits
So, without further ado, the following subjects are now officially off-limits, and please be advised that I may expand this list:
EGG SALAD, obviously.
While I commend you on making it yourself, there’s nothing for me in that conversation. I’m well-acquainted with your nuanced feelings about mayo-based salads, and by extension, discussions about tuna salad are also banned. Trust me, it’s not riveting that I prefer crunch in my tuna salad while you like it the other way around. Also, the topic of mustard—be it spicy, yellow, or Dijon—is no longer up for debate.
BOWEL MOVEMENTS—let’s call this one done.
Unless there’s a genuine health EMERGENCY, I have no interest in hearing about your bowel habits, our daughter’s, or even the dog’s. I’m not keen on knowing the color, texture, or any other detail. I never have been, and I’m sorry if this disappoints you. Please, just READ THE ARTICLE.
LEBRON JAMES—this one’s tough.
I acknowledge his greatness, but I’ve reached my limit on discussions about him. And as for the PLAYOFFS—goodbye! I can only accommodate one sports passion, and you’ve already committed to College Basketball. Should you wish to switch your sports interest for something else, please submit a request in writing. I’ll consider it after you READ THE EMOTIONAL LABOR ARTICLE.
ROCKY BALBOA—I know this may hurt.
We’ve covered this ground already, including CREED. I appreciate your love for these films, but I’d like to avoid rehashing how Sylvester Stallone wrote, directed, and trained for them every few months.
SCRATCHING YOURSELF, specifically if it involves your balls.
I’m sorry if there’s been any misunderstanding, but I really don’t want to hear about this. Honestly, I’d prefer it if I could stop witnessing this behavior altogether, but I understand that’s a tall order. Just like asking you to READ THE ARTICLE.
In conclusion, this list is only the beginning. Should you have any inquiries or grievances, please address them to someone other than me.
Forever yours,
Wife
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Summary: In a humorous yet direct note, a wife expresses her exhaustion with mundane conversations that drain her limited time. She emphasizes the need for more meaningful discussions and outlines a list of topics to avoid, reinforcing the importance of understanding emotional labor in relationships.