As you enthusiastically discussed the benefits of finely chopped onions in egg salad last night, it dawned on me that we might not see eye to eye on how to best utilize my time. As you are well aware, I put in over 40 hours of work each week (yes, that means most of my days are consumed). Finding time to socialize, wash my face, or even take a moment for myself without the constant demands of our child is nearly impossible. After spending an hour soothing her to sleep each night, I have only a handful of hours left before I need to call it a night. Therefore, it’s high time we embrace what I like to call the ECONOMY OF CONVERSATION. I cherish our chats, but I simply can’t engage in discussions that don’t pique my interest anymore.
Let me remind you yet again about that article I forwarded on the mental load and the disproportionate emotional labor that is increasingly straining marriages. You may not recall it, likely because you haven’t read it despite my sending it six times. I’ll send it again later. Part of managing this mental load includes reading relevant articles, but I wouldn’t expect you to grasp that concept.
Topics That Are Now OFF-LIMITS
With that said, here are some topics that should now be considered OFF-LIMITS, and just so you know, I may add to this list:
EGG SALAD, obviously.
I’m happy for you that you’ve made it yourself, but honestly, I’ve reached my limit. I know all there is to know about egg salad and your intricate feelings regarding mayo-based dishes. By the same token, conversations about tuna salad are also off the table. It really doesn’t matter that I prefer crunchy tuna while you’re the opposite. And let’s be clear: mustard as a topic is also done. Spicy, yellow, or Dijon – it’s just not worth my time.
BOWEL MOVEMENTS, enough is enough.
Unless there’s a health EMERGENCY, I’m not interested in hearing about your poop, our daughter’s poop, or even the dog’s. I really don’t want to know any details regarding color, consistency, or anything else. I never have. I love you, but please READ THE ARTICLE.
LEBRON JAMES.
Yes, he’s incredible, but I’m at full capacity for conversations about him. Regarding playoffs, finals, or anything else — goodbye. I can only manage one sports-related discussion, and you’ve already chosen college basketball. If you wish to swap your sports topic, kindly submit a written request. I’ll consider it after you READ THE EMOTIONAL LABOR ARTICLE.
ROCKY BALBOA.
I know this will sting, but we’ve covered this ground. CREED included. I recognize your fondness for these movies, and I appreciate how much Sylvester Stallone contributed, but I’d like to avoid rehashing these “facts” every couple of months.
WHAT YOU’RE SCRATCHING IF NOT YOUR BALLS.
I apologize if I’ve led you to believe I want to discuss this. Honestly, I’d prefer to stop witnessing you scratch your balls altogether, but I understand that may be too much to ask—similar to the request for you to READ THE ARTICLE.
In closing, this list is just the beginning. If you have any inquiries or issues, please direct them elsewhere.
Yours forever and always,
Your Loving Wife
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