Just six months ago, my life was shattered by a single phone call. On the evening of April 29th, I received the devastating news that my healthy and courageous husband, Adam, had gone into cardiac arrest and succumbed to COVID-19. The overwhelming pain I felt in that moment was indescribable as I realized that the person I envisioned spending my life with was suddenly gone.
It all began a month earlier with what we thought was a simple cough, surfacing the day after our daughter’s second birthday. Given that Adam worked in a hospital and interacted with patients facing various health challenges, we were concerned it might be more serious. He attempted to get tested right away, but all the local sites had run out of tests. Initially, he seemed fine, but soon the fever set in. That’s when I suspected it was COVID. After four days, he finally managed to get tested, and shortly after, the results confirmed our fears.
In the days that followed, I noticed Adam becoming increasingly lethargic; his fever persisted, and he struggled to maintain his appetite. Despite my daily check-ins, where I repeatedly asked, “Can you breathe?” and he reassuringly responded “Yes,” everything changed on April 3rd when I awoke to hear him gasping for air. That was the moment I called 911.
He was taken from our home on a stretcher, and that was the last time I saw him. The ensuing 26 days were filled with emotional turmoil as I navigated the roller coaster of hospital updates. Each call was exhausting, both mentally and physically. There were moments I couldn’t reach anyone, and I found myself starting the process all over again after hours of waiting. One particularly harrowing day, I discovered that Adam’s heart had stopped for 20 seconds during the night, which shattered my hope that no news was good news.
Every time I received updates indicating progress, I clung to hope, only to be met with setbacks that flooded me with anxiety. When I finally got that fateful call, I knew—Adam had lost his battle. I was left grappling with how to explain to our two-year-old daughter that her beloved Papa would not be coming home and how to ensure our five-month-old son would know the amazing man Adam was.
Now, six months later, as I attempt to heal from this profound loss, I face a new reality as a single mother to two young children. Managing the needs of my two-and-a-half-year-old and one-year-old is exhausting, especially as I try to help my daughter process the trauma of her father’s absence. Those moments when she stares off, lost in thought about Papa, break my heart. She is so young and should not have to bear this grief. Yet, I’ve found that these reflective moments are the perfect opportunity to share stories about him, and I am continually amazed at how much she remembers of her father; she was definitely a “Daddy’s Girl.”
When I look at my son and see Adam’s smile reflected in him, I experience a bittersweet mix of joy and sorrow. Joy, because Adam would be immensely proud of the little toddler he is becoming, and sorrow, knowing my son will grow up without any memories of his Papa. That realization fuels my commitment to keep Adam’s memory alive. Each night, as I tuck my children into bed, we send kisses to their Papa. I remind them he’s in heaven, watching over us and loving them just as we love and miss him. When they reach for his picture to kiss, it reassures me that I am helping them remember their father.
Even after all this time, the heartache from losing Adam due to COVID-19 lingers. As a young widow, I am navigating this new life while trying to heal. I often felt isolated in my grief, believing I was alone in this journey until I received a heartfelt card from someone else experiencing similar loss. Inspired by that connection, I decided to create a Facebook group for young widows and widowers who have lost their spouses to COVID. Knowing we are not alone in this struggle makes a world of difference, and together, we can support each other as we work towards our new normal.
The anguish of losing the love of your life to COVID is a pain that’s hard to comprehend unless you’ve lived it. My life, and my children’s lives, have been irrevocably altered. All I can do now is share our story and strive to move forward.
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Summary:
Jessica Matthews shares her heart-wrenching experience of losing her husband, Adam, to COVID-19. In this poignant narrative, she recounts the challenges of navigating grief while raising their young children alone. Through memory-keeping and community support, Jessica highlights the importance of sharing stories and connecting with others who have faced similar losses.