It has been almost a year since I last “saw” my mother. I found her in June — unresponsive, facing down, barely clinging to life. I gazed at her in her casket in early July, and since then, I’ve seen countless photos of her before and after her passing. Our final encounter was last Thanksgiving. She chose to spend it at my mother-in-law’s house, drawn by the promise of a free turkey and drinks.
I can’t recall what she wore that day, but I remember her hair, slicked back and greasy, held in place by a headband, possibly green or black. Her face appeared fuller than it had in months; I assumed it was water retention from her alcoholism, which had been slowly consuming her identity.
She was sharp-tongued and irritable, her health visibly deteriorating. I didn’t say much during our conversation, allowing her to ramble about the weather and her disdain for politics. It was during that visit that I realized I could no longer pretend; I couldn’t save her. I was 35, yet still felt like a child in so many ways.
Loren Lomme, a licensed counselor at Just Mind, explains that family estrangement can occur for numerous reasons. It can stem from gradual drifting apart, intentional alienation, or a necessary setting of boundaries — and that was my situation. For the sake of my mental well-being, I had to distance myself.
Setting boundaries wasn’t easy. I felt shame and embarrassment regarding her situation and my decision to step back. Anger consumed me — anger that I couldn’t do more to help and guilt for seemingly abandoning her. I missed the mother I once knew, the one who helped me study spelling in the kitchen and played hide and seek, always finding me in the laundry basket. I longed for her presence during the holidays and family milestones.
In conversations with strangers, I often claimed I had no family. My father passed away when I was just 12, leaving me to navigate life largely alone. Yet, I wasn’t truly alone; millions in the U.S. have experienced family estrangement. A study revealed that over 40% of participants have faced this issue, particularly among college students, making estrangement almost as common as divorce. However, knowing I wasn’t alone didn’t ease the pain, especially during the holidays, which come with their own set of challenges. The question, “Are you visiting your parents for the holidays?” becomes unbearable.
Here are six strategies for managing this emotionally challenging season:
- Find Healthy Stress Relief: Life is inherently stressful, especially during the holidays. Seek healthy outlets for your emotions. This could be journaling, meditating, exercising, or creating art. The goal is to calm your mind and body.
- Prioritize Exercise and Nutrition: It’s easy to neglect physical health when you’re feeling down. However, exercise releases endorphins that can improve your mood. Whether it’s walking, running, or dancing, moving your body can serve as an effective distraction.
- Acknowledge Your Emotions: Losing key relationships is painful, and it’s crucial to recognize your feelings instead of burying them. Speak about your emotions with someone you trust, be it a friend, family member, or therapist. Bottling feelings can lead to greater mental health challenges.
- Create a Holiday Plan: The holidays often come with unrealistic expectations of joy. Instead, focus on what you need from them. Whether it’s a quiet day with a good book or a cozy gathering with chosen family, listen to your heart and prioritize what brings you peace.
- Limit Exposure to Estranged Family: If interactions with estranged family are unavoidable, establish boundaries to safeguard your emotional state. Decide how long you’ll stay and identify triggers to avoid. Having an exit strategy can help manage stress.
- Plan Your Exit: Regardless of where you spend the holidays, always have a plan for when you need to leave. Inform your host of your time constraints. Stick to your plan, and remember that it’s okay to leave if you feel uncomfortable.
Ultimately, remember that you hold the reins of your life and well-being. Prioritize self-love and care, and never feel guilty for creating distance when necessary. You deserve to find peace during the holidays and every day.
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In summary, navigating the holidays while estranged from family can be an emotionally taxing experience. By recognizing your feelings, establishing boundaries, and prioritizing self-care, you can find ways to cope and create a holiday season that feels right for you.