As I approach my 42nd birthday, I feel the all-too-familiar pull toward comfort food, but this year, I’m determined to combat the Birthday Doldrums. On the eve of my special day, I’m choosing to reflect on how this milestone will be even more rewarding than my 21st.
With age often comes a tendency to romanticize youth as a carefree time of indulgence, yet I can admit that my younger self was far from composed. In my 20s, I believed I was bold. I embarked on solo backpacking trips through Europe, traversed Australia, and accepted jobs in unfamiliar states. I conquered the Alps and dove into the Red Sea. Yet, beneath that adventurous facade, fear gripped me.
I was haunted by the worry of never discovering my true calling, leading me to chase every opportunity that came my way, as if I were trying on outfits in a store. I feared loneliness and clung to unsuitable partners. I doubted my worthiness of love, often pushing it away. I took on physical challenges to prove my strength, fearing that I wasn’t enough. I sought fun to fill the void, sometimes overindulging (which I don’t completely regret). I pretended to be knowledgeable, terrified of admitting ignorance, and envied the lives of others, feeling inadequate in comparison.
Now, in my 40s, I no longer view myself as fearless, but I do fear less. I’ve come to realize that to find my calling, I need to listen more and talk less. The inner voice is impossible to silence, and it’s essential to heed it. I’ve learned that perfection isn’t a prerequisite for love; embracing my imperfections opens doors to genuine connections.
The depth of a parent’s love for their child is immeasurable, a truth that remains unchanged regardless of life’s circumstances. Strength is found not just in our actions but in how we respond to what we cannot control. My friend Jess faced cancer during Thanksgiving yet returned to work undeterred. Meanwhile, my father, who can no longer stand unaided, embodies resilience and gratitude as he navigates life.
I’m still figuring out how to have enough fun, and I’ll keep you updated on that journey. I’ve gathered enough life experiences to admit my ignorance—something my kids remind me of daily. Acknowledging “I don’t know” is liberating and a step away from the pursuit of perfection.
Being wrong has its own lessons. As I referee my children’s disputes, I often encourage them to apologize, realizing the profound weight behind those words, especially when they include “please forgive me.”
While I occasionally catch myself envying others—their beautiful homes or seemingly effortless lives—I’ve mostly learned to appreciate what I have. Life doesn’t always provide what we desire but gives us what we truly need to grow. Whether it’s joy or heartache, it’s always sufficient.
Perhaps the most important lesson I’ve learned is that I am enough, imperfections and all. Sure, there are still fears that linger—like the dangers that come with parenting. I worry about speeding cars in our neighborhood and the hidden threats lurking in everyday life. But my greatest fear is running out of time with my loved ones and not cherishing those moments fully.
As I turn 42, these are the fears I intend to confront. Just wait: by the time I reach 84, I might have it all figured out.
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In summary, while aging may bring its challenges, it also offers invaluable lessons and a deeper understanding of oneself. Embracing imperfections and learning to appreciate the present moment can transform the way we view life and its fleeting nature.