You are not a terrible person. However, you are no longer the partner I need. My affection for you began to fade when you returned to school, with grand ideas of a better future and a bigger paycheck just around the corner. We agreed that you would juggle full-time work and classes, while I stayed home to care for our little ones. Our daughter was just a year and a half old, and our son wasn’t even six months yet. During those months, it was me who comforted them through sickness, who rocked them to sleep, who played, taught, and nurtured them.
It was all me.
As you pursued your education, I became self-sufficient. I learned how to manage our household and raise our children without your involvement. I relied solely on myself, and I succeeded. At the time, I wasn’t resentful; I believed your commitment to school would pay off eventually. You assured me it was a temporary sacrifice for long-term benefits. Fast forward to today, years after you graduated, and our financial situation remains almost unchanged from before your schooling began. The only difference now is that I contribute to the family finances too. I’ve learned how to earn money to support us, and thankfully, or else I’m not sure where we would be.
But here we are now. Those months of solo parenting have dulled my need for you and my desire to preserve our marriage. The truth is, I feel like an island sharing a bed. When you weigh in on parenting matters, I can’t help but think, “You don’t truly understand. You weren’t here. You chased a dream, and now we’re stuck in a financial quagmire.”
I don’t need you. I could walk away, but… I cannot do that to our children.
Having experienced divorce as a child, I am all too familiar with the emotional turmoil it brings. The agonizing thoughts of “Was it my fault?” kept me awake at night. School events like Father’s Day were excruciating. I watched my mother, a single parent, struggle to make ends meet while sacrificing her own well-being for my siblings and me. Those memories are etched in my mind. I could leave you, but I refuse to inflict that pain on our kids.
They remain blissfully unaware of my inner conflicts. They haven’t witnessed our arguments or felt the weight of our struggles. They shouldn’t bear the consequences of the decisions we made as a couple. I want them to experience the love of two parents. I aspire for them to see us as a cohesive family, something I never enjoyed myself.
Every day, I will endeavor to forgive both of us for our shortcomings and mistakes. I’ll try to see you through a lens that focuses on the future instead of the past. I’ll hold onto hope that we can mend what’s broken. I pledged my vows before God and our loved ones, and I will honor that commitment—not for myself, but for our children. I will work tirelessly to ensure they never realize there was a moment when I considered leaving, but couldn’t bear to do so for their sake.
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Summary
A mother reflects on her struggles within her marriage after taking on the sole responsibility of parenting while her partner pursued an education. Despite feeling independent and capable, the fear of divorce for their children’s sake keeps her committed. She vows to work on their relationship for the sake of their kids, hoping to build a loving family environment despite their challenges.