By: Emma Carter
Updated: Feb. 26, 2021
Originally Published: Feb. 26, 2021
My closest friend insists that I have the potential for kindness. He argues that I always lent a helping hand to those who reached out. While I did display moments of compassion during my college years, I also embraced the role of a mean girl. Not just any mean girl, but a Queen Bee—someone who thrived on creating drama and publicly tearing others down. I made it a point to get laughs at the expense of others, and I regret every bit of it.
Sure, I could show kindness, but my darker side often emerged as a ruthless bully, supported by my friends and my sharp wit. I remember a moment when the campus prom queen asked a fellow student, in front of everyone, if he picked up his accent at the duty-free shop in Heathrow. He left the room humiliated. “He probably still thinks about that at night,” my husband remarked one day. My heart sank. Yes, it was funny, but at what cost? That person was already battling his own issues, and we all knew it. The crowd reveled in the moment, but I was only feeding into his pain.
Seeking Validation Through Cruelty
I craved attention. I wanted people to notice me and to like me. One surefire way to achieve that was by picking on easy targets. One target was a former beauty queen who had turned into a party girl with a reputation for reckless behavior. I eagerly spread rumors about her escapades, relishing in the shock value. “Did you hear about her latest escapade?” I would boast. She didn’t need gossip; she needed support, and instead, I chose to belittle her. I think she ended up dropping out. I could have been a source of help, but I opted for the cheap thrill of drawing attention to myself.
My best friend pointed out that I often targeted anyone I perceived as a threat to my spotlight. This included a quirky student who wore a pink bunny suit and a guy with a crush on me known as “Punk Rock Alex.” I would hide under my bed at the sound of his punk belt jingling, all for the sake of the laughs it brought me.
The Cost of My Actions
When others laughed, it wasn’t at my expense. I transformed from an invisible high school wallflower to the infamous mean girl, reminiscent of characters from films like Cruel Intentions. But underneath that facade, my insecurities resurfaced. Focusing on others’ flaws kept me shielded from scrutiny. By ridiculing the beauty queen for her choices, I could distract from my own less-than-perfect behavior. The more I mocked others, the less attention I attracted to my own shortcomings.
One particularly painful memory involves a timid freshman who showed up at our dorm looking for connection. He mistakenly bragged about having “Charleston money.” I, having grown up around wealth (though never possessing it), seized the opportunity to humiliate him, leading him deeper into deception while my friends and I snickered in the background. It took him a painful hour to realize he was being made fun of. I could have offered him friendship or guidance, but I chose to revel in his embarrassment instead.
Ultimately, I sought cheap laughs as a means of diverting attention from my own insecurities. I loathed myself and feared rejection from others, prompting me to use my sharp tongue and group of friends to target those who least deserved it. I could have reached out to the beauty queen or treated Punk Rock Alex kindly.
Reflection and Regret
The truth is, I had the option to choose kindness. I could have seen past my self-doubt and embraced something greater. However, I didn’t. My own struggles don’t excuse the pain I inflicted on others. I can’t fathom how my words may have lingered and affected someone deeply. Perhaps someone still remembers my cruelty, or maybe they’ve forgotten. To all my college peers, you know who you are. I’ve evolved, and I’m genuinely sorry. My words may not carry much weight now, and this apology is yours to accept or disregard. I might not recall the good times we shared, but I vividly remember the hurtful moments, and for that, I am truly sorry.
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Summary
This article delves into the author’s reflections on her college years as a self-proclaimed mean girl. She recounts moments of cruelty, the need for attention, and the impact of her actions on others. Despite demonstrating kindness at times, her darker tendencies overshadowed her better judgment. Ultimately, she expresses deep regret for her past behavior and offers a heartfelt apology to those she hurt.