I made the choice to co-sleep long before I became a parent. Surprisingly, it was when I was just nine years old that I decided I would let my future children sleep close to me for as long as they felt the need to do so.
After my parents divorced, my sister and I began splitting our time between their homes. My sister, who was only four, struggled with the transitions, particularly at nighttime. I often stayed up late to comfort her, sometimes even climbing into her small twin bed to help her drift off to sleep. It became clear to me that all children crave closeness, both during the day and at night. There was no way I would deny that to my future kids.
I was determined, and sticking to that principle came naturally. When my first child was born, co-sleeping felt like the only option; it allowed both of us to get the sleep we desperately needed. We made sure to follow all the bedsharing safety guidelines. After all, he was just a baby, and being near his parents at night was essential for his comfort. Why would I ever deny him that bond?
As he grew older, we continued the practice of having him sleep in our bed. When I became pregnant with his younger sibling, we transitioned him to his own bed right next to ours. This setup lasted for several years.
Of course, I do encourage my children to sleep independently. Both have their own rooms and beds, and we gently promote the idea of sleeping alone by occasionally camping out with them for a night. However, they generally end up back in our room, and that’s perfectly fine. They express sentiments like, “I just really want to be close to you at night. It feels better that way.” I’ve never understood the rationale behind denying them that simple comfort.
Remarkably, my children exhibit independence in many other aspects of their lives. They forge friendships easily, behave well, and manage their emotions effectively. Yet, they still seek their parents’ presence at night. Honestly, I don’t enjoy sleeping alone either; why should they?
Sharing a bed with my kids can be frustrating at times. I don’t always appreciate being kicked in the head during the night, and we’ve had to discuss proper bedroom etiquette. These moments serve as valuable lessons in respecting personal space at night.
As for the question of intimacy, it’s straightforward. With more than one room in the house, it’s easy to sneak away after the kids are asleep or take advantage of nap times or moments when they’re preoccupied.
I always assumed that co-sleeping would naturally phase out once my children reached their teenage years. I recall a quote from anthropologist Dr. James J. McKenna regarding the co-sleeping culture in Japan, where many parents share beds with their children until they are teens. The metaphor he used — describing parents as riverbanks and children as the water flowing between them — resonated deeply with me.
As a mother of a newly minted teenager, I’ve found this to be true. My son transitioned to sleeping soundly in his own room without any nudging from us. However, he knows that he always has a spot in our room if he needs it.
This arrangement isn’t for everyone, and I completely understand that many people need their own space to sleep well. It doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing situation; many parents invite their older children into their rooms during difficult nights or after bad dreams.
Moreover, having older children or tweens sleep in your room full-time is more common than people realize. However, because it’s often viewed as a taboo topic, many parents keep it to themselves.
I’m here to say that there’s nothing wrong with it. Kids turn out perfectly fine, and when they learn that their parents’ comfort doesn’t end at bedtime, it teaches them that their needs are valid and respected. And I promise, this phase doesn’t last forever. Children evolve and grow at their own pace, especially when their needs are nurtured along the way.
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In summary, co-sleeping is a personal choice that varies from family to family. It can provide comfort and security to children while promoting a strong bond with parents. As children grow, they will naturally develop their independence, and it’s essential to respect their needs during this journey.