Having been divorced for five years, I’ve come to terms with the reality that I can’t change my ex. He operates on his own terms, disregarding my opinions and concerns. The issues that plagued our marriage continue to complicate our post-divorce relationship.
Like many couples, whether together or apart, my ex and I find ourselves embroiled in the same persistent arguments. A frequent source of contention is our differing views on co-parenting. He insists that I should only engage in parenting during “my time” and believes it’s best if we refrain from questioning each other’s household practices. Our co-parenting interactions are limited to the essentials, primarily through email and shared calendars. Disputes over who takes our child to orthodontist appointments or who RSVPs to birthday parties barely scratch the surface of our parenting responsibilities. Thus, we each operate independently, doing as we please on our days with minimal communication and stress.
It sounds simple, right? For me, however, it’s not so straightforward. I’m someone who invests wholeheartedly in everything I do. My children deserve the same dedication I give to other pursuits, and I can’t view them as mere calendar entries or plants needing occasional care. They are complex individuals with their own thoughts, emotions, and aspirations.
In an ideal world, I’d love to have regular meetings with my ex to discuss our kids, where we could collaboratively address important issues regarding their safety, technology use, and overall behavior. We would set boundaries and rules that apply across both homes, providing consistency regardless of where the kids are. However, such arrangements would demand significant time and commitment from both parties, and inevitably, stress would arise. This doesn’t sound so easy after all.
Parenting is inherently messy, challenging, and rewarding. The idea of adding structured discussions with my ex into this already chaotic mix is daunting. I understand why he prefers to keep things simple. He’s right; if I confined my parenting to “my time,” our relationship would likely improve. I’ve seen blended families vacationing together, but I’ve accepted that my family isn’t one of those rare examples. After all, I carried each of my children for 38 weeks and 3 days, and I’ve been their mother every moment since. It’s not easy to turn off my parenting instincts for an entire weekend.
Every few days, I watch my children go to their father, and while it tugs at my heartstrings, I take comfort in knowing they have a father who loves them just as much. I wish I could turn off my parenting switch, enjoy a kid-free weekend, and not have to worry about sending that email or responding to messages. Yet, my maternal instincts are strong, and my concerns don’t simply vanish when they’re not with me. This parenting switch, flipped over 13 years ago, remains permanently on.
Thus, we continue as co-parents with differing philosophies. I am committed to parenting 24/7, advocating for my children regardless of the day or time. I will communicate my concerns and suggestions through emails or texts whenever necessary, even if it feels like banging my head against a wall. He has the option to engage at his discretion, whether that means being actively involved or choosing to step back.
We will persist in our current approaches, each doing what we believe is best for our children. If insanity is defined as repeating the same actions while expecting different outcomes, then we might both fit that description. Yet, I believe a little madness is present in even the healthiest families. We will be just fine.
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Summary:
Co-parenting can be a challenging journey, especially when parents have differing philosophies. While one may prefer a hands-off approach, the other may wish for deeper engagement. Ultimately, both parents must navigate their roles with care and commitment, finding ways to communicate effectively for the sake of their children.