Parenting
Chill Out, Mama Bear: The Kids Are Just Fine
by Taylor Brooks
Updated: April 7, 2021
Originally Published: Dec. 1, 2016
Photo Credit: Giedriius/Shutterstock
Motherhood can be a whirlwind of emotions. Joy, love, anger, and anxiety intermingle in a chaotic swirl, resembling a Jackson Pollock painting, leaving us struggling to comprehend our feelings and thoughts.
Not only does motherhood present a peculiar blend of conflicting sentiments, but much of it is instinctual. We may find it difficult to articulate our strong beliefs about parenting styles—be it attachment parenting, co-sleeping, or breastfeeding—but these feelings are deeply rooted.
One of those instincts is the powerful urge to shield our children from harm. This protective instinct, often described as our inner Mama Bear, can ignite a sudden rush of fierce emotions—fear, anger, and frustration—all at once. In moments like these, we become ready to defend our little ones at any cost, entering a protective mode that can be overwhelming.
The first time I felt that Mama Bear energy was when I witnessed another parent reprimanding my daughter for an incident on the school playground. Although my daughter was at fault, I couldn’t help but feel anger towards the other parent and her child. Logic flew out the window; all I could think was how dare they speak to my child that way? How could they presume to understand the situation?
My protective instincts clashed with embarrassment and disappointment in my daughter’s actions. I replayed her mistakes over and over, inflating them into something far worse. I began to doubt my parenting abilities and labeled the other mother and her child as overly sensitive. I even convinced myself that my daughter’s misstep signaled a troubling future.
My gut reaction was to rush in and rectify the situation—not just fix it, but eliminate it entirely. But who was I even mad at? Mama Bear can be fierce, but she doesn’t always think clearly. Sometimes, she needs a reality check.
There’s undoubtedly some scientific reasoning behind the Mama Bear instinct, likely rooted in our evolutionary history. Still, this protective impulse seems to be amplified in today’s world of helicopter parenting, social media scrutiny, and heightened defensiveness. Parents often feel justified in calling out any perceived misbehavior, claiming it’s all in the name of love. “I’m just looking out for my child,” they say.
However, that’s where I draw the line. Mama Bear instincts don’t give anyone the license to be unkind, especially towards another child. We can easily fall into delusional thinking, spiraling into our own fears and frustrations.
The truth is, kids will be kids. They mess up; they act selfishly; they can be downright rude. And guess what? So can we.
What if, instead of jumping to defend our little ones, we allowed them to learn from their mistakes? What if we encouraged them to stand their ground rather than rushing in to shield them? Instead of automatically blaming other children, could we recognize that our precious ones might share some responsibility in the fallout? What if we embraced the reality that childhood is filled with conflicts, some of which are essential for growth?
Five years ago, when I heard that parent reprimanding my daughter, I lost it. How could she speak to her like that? And how could my daughter make a mistake that reflected poorly on me? I was furious—at her and myself. But the reality was my daughter was just a child who made a mistake, learned from it, and said sorry.
This fierce instinct to protect and worry about the worst-case scenarios may be natural, but it doesn’t always serve us well. So take a deep breath and calm down, Mama Bears. The kids are all right.
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In summary, while the Mama Bear instinct is a natural part of parenting, it’s vital to find balance. Embrace the chaos, allow your children to learn from their experiences, and remember that everything is part of their growth.