The unthinkable has happened.
Just last night, our child unexpectedly walked in on us during a rather intimate moment. We weren’t quite sure how long she had been standing there in the dark before she piped up, “I can’t sleep.”
We froze, the silence stretching painfully until she added, “And yes, I can see you.”
Well, that was awkward.
We quickly separated and covered ourselves as she climbed into bed beside us. Within minutes, she was fast asleep, while we lay there wide awake, staring at the ceiling and cringing for hours.
The next morning, we agreed it was crucial to address the incident with her in a composed and mature manner. We settled on the couch across from her, smiling and holding hands, as she flipped through her morning cartoons.
“Good morning, sweetheart. We wanted to have a chat about, um, what happened last night,” I stumbled over my words. “You might’ve seen something that left you puzzled, so your dad and I are here to answer any questions you may have.”
“Are there any more cereal bars?” she asked, her gaze glued to the TV. But we were determined; this was a teachable moment.
I pressed on. “Sometimes, when adults love each other, they want to share special time together. In bed.”
“Sometimes it happens in other places too,” my partner chimed in before I could interrupt him.
“We care deeply for each other, and one way we express that love is by being close, sometimes without clothes. It’s normal and nothing to feel awkward about. It’s a unique expression of love between adults, but it’s something that doesn’t happen all the time,” I explained, perhaps too enthusiastically.
“Yeah, definitely not all the time. It’s like a rare event, much like an eclipse—if you look too closely, you might hurt your eyes,” he added, trying to be helpful.
“Remember that book we gave you about how babies are made?” I continued, “We weren’t trying to make a baby…”
“Absolutely not,” he assured our still-silent daughter.
“Hahaha, oh gosh, no,” I added, sharing a laugh with my husband.
I awkwardly continued, “Can you imagine a newborn? No way! But the part in the book before the baby… sometimes we do those things mentioned, just because we love each other. It’s completely normal, just like the book says.”
“When mommies and daddies are really in love, sometimes they go beyond the book’s description. I bet reverse cowgirl wasn’t in it, right?” my husband added with a grin.
“Sometimes Daddy watches too many movies,” I quipped.
“Yeah, sometimes Daddy forgets to clear his browser history,” he countered, laughing.
“Sometimes Daddy tries to bend Mommy in ways that are clearly meant for a circus performer, forgetting that she’s just a regular person with occasional back pain.” I paused. “Do normal legs bend like that? No, they do not.”
“Sometimes you might hear unusual sounds. Mommy makes little dolphin noises, and that’s perfectly okay,” he continued, over-explaining.
“Sometimes, Daddy is so sweaty, it’s like making love to a seal.” Yes, I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t resist.
“I’d argue more like a sea lion, but the point is I put in a lot of effort…”
“Alright, let’s steer back to the topic,” I shot him a warning look.
“Remember our trip to the aquarium? It’s somewhat like that, but with adults,” he persisted.
“Stop talking. Just stop,” I hissed, hoping he’d get the hint.
“You stop,” he replied under his breath.
The key takeaway here is that we love each other deeply, and intimacy is a beautiful and natural part of adulthood. Right?” I concluded, feeling somewhat accomplished.
“Exactly. But only when you’re married and, like, 30 years old,” he added, reinforcing the message.
“So, do you have any questions?” We held our breath, waiting for her response.
Finally, she spoke up, “Yes. Are there any more cereal bars?”
In the end, it seems that our elaborate explanation about intimacy went completely over her head.
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Summary:
Navigating discussions about intimacy with children can be tricky and often leads to humorous misunderstandings. In this light-hearted recounting, a couple attempts to explain their private moment to their child, only to find that the conversation doesn’t go quite as planned.