Updated: Aug. 21, 2015
Originally Published: Jan. 30, 2015
Throughout the years, I’ve meticulously photographed my children during all the significant milestones in their lives—those grand occasions that felt monumental at the time. We instinctively know we’ll cherish images from weddings, baby showers, births, birthdays, school plays, and graduations.
Recently, I revisited a video of a class performance featuring my son from twelve years ago. There he was, a spirited seven-year-old, amongst his classmates, singing his heart out while occasionally glancing at me to ensure I was there. His smile was the epitome of joy, and those familiar little gestures tugged at my heartstrings. However, in a moment of clarity, I realized that I had captured the wrong memories. While I had deemed this concert a significant moment worth preserving, I now understand that the moments I truly yearn to relive were spontaneous, unplanned, and completely unexpected.
I often took photos of our children while they slept, whether sprawled on the couch, nestled in their car seats, or tucked away in their cribs. Yet, I never brought a camera into our bed. If I could make a pact with fate, I would transport myself back to those mornings when all three kids would crawl into bed with us. I cherish the memories of waking up to limbs draped over my husband and me, a sight that lives only in my mind’s eye, and I long to experience it again.
My brother’s in-laws have a house with a gentle slope leading from their porch. On a sweltering August day, they covered part of the hill with plastic and turned on a hose. My young sons and their cousins gleefully destroyed the lawn, sliding down the makeshift slip-and-slide a hundred times. Each inch of their bodies was caked in mud, and I can’t recall ever seeing them as blissful as they were that day. I wish I could be there again, scrubbing away the mud from their hair while they excitedly shared that it was the best day of their lives.
Every year, I documented my children’s first day of school, from nursery through high school. The photos captured their bright smiles, fresh haircuts, and shiny new backpacks. However, the moment I wish to relive occurred weeks into one particular school year. My eldest, who had always loved school, climbed into my lap one morning, confessing he couldn’t bear to go anymore. As he sobbed in my embrace, I realized I would trade every glossy first-day photo for just a few seconds of being the safest place in his world.
I’ve taken countless prom pictures, capturing the stunning transformation of a scruffy teenager into a dapper young man in a tuxedo. The bigger the event, the more photos I snapped. Yet, the moment I wish I could experience again is when my son came home late one night, weeks before the prom, and shared how he gathered his friends to serenade his date into accepting his invitation. He had never opened up about girls before, and that night marked a significant step in our relationship, bridging the gap between childhood and adulthood.
I often aimed my camera at the wrong moments, mistaking the grandeur of my children’s lives for the memories I would truly cherish. Yet, parenthood is an ongoing journey. Just the other night, I watched my husband playing soccer with our two teenage sons in the backyard. Their laughter filled the air as they joked in the dimming summer light. After two decades of motherhood, I finally realized to pause, soak in the summer scents, and allow my heart to swell with joy while capturing the moment on camera.
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In summary, while I’ve captured many important moments in my children’s lives, it’s often the unscripted, everyday experiences that I wish I could relive.