In my mid-thirties, after experiencing an unexpected pregnancy that sadly ended in miscarriage, my partner and I made the decision to actively pursue starting a family. There’s nothing like a pregnancy scare to prompt the important “what’s next for us” discussion. After some heartfelt conversations, we concluded that we did want children together in the future. However, following a second miscarriage, we quickly realized that time was of the essence, as it might take a while for my body to support a pregnancy successfully.
Our anxiety about potentially being unable to conceive overshadowed our financial concerns. We began trying for children without a solid financial foundation, both of us lacking traditional employment or health insurance. At that time, I worked as a bartender while my partner pursued a career in music. We began to save a bit of money so I could take time off work when the moment arrived. Fast forward a few years and, after our first miscarriage, we welcomed a son into our lives.
After his birth, I took a brief hiatus from my job, but our financial reality required me to return to bartending sooner than I would have liked. I then started writing to help supplement our income. My experience as a bartender had honed my storytelling skills, which led to some rewarding writing opportunities. My partner and I balanced our schedules to ensure one of us was always available for our child. We found ourselves among the growing number of urban families in our increasingly expensive Brooklyn neighborhood. Though my partner grew up there and I had resided there for over a decade, the arrival of our child made us question whether we could sustain our city lifestyle on our modest incomes.
A few years later, I found myself sitting on the toilet in our cramped third-floor apartment, staring at a positive pregnancy test that came as a surprise after all our struggles to conceive our first child. We were about to add another child to our already tenuous financial situation.
On paper, we might appear quite different from the average American parents—one partner is a musician making money through performances across New York City, while the other is a writer earning from her words. Our Bohemian lifestyle likely raised eyebrows and prompted questions about our decision to expand our family, especially given our financial constraints. However, our financial situation closely mirrors that of many Americans today, particularly those living paycheck to paycheck. In fact, we represent a more typical scenario than those of other families in our affluent neighborhood.
Despite our combined income placing us firmly in the “middle class,” there is rarely any “extra” money left over. When I assess our monthly income against our expenses, I am often astonished. We don’t indulge in extravagant living; we don’t own a home or new cars, and we seldom treat ourselves to anything that isn’t essential. We are simply two working adults with two children in daycare.
In the past, when I shared my experiences, I would often encounter the retort, “Don’t have kids if you can’t afford them.” Was it wrong for me to bring children into the world when we weren’t financially secure? Should financial readiness have deterred me from following my instinct to start a family?
The notion that prospective parents must achieve financial security before having children is thought-provoking, especially as many Americans struggle with stagnant wages and rising living costs. According to census data, median household income in 2012 was no higher than it was 25 years prior, even as the costs of essentials—in particular, those related to child-rearing—continue to skyrocket. A 2012 Bloomberg report revealed that college tuition rose by an astonishing 1120 percent over three decades, while medical expenses jumped 601 percent and food costs increased by 244 percent. Childcare expenses have nearly doubled in the last 25 years, going from an average of $84 per week for families with working mothers to about $184 weekly. Those living below the poverty line face an even harsher situation, spending roughly 30 percent of their income on childcare.
It used to be that parents aspired for their children to achieve more than they did. However, with the rising cost of living, that dream feels increasingly out of reach. So what comes next? Are we to believe that only the wealthy should be permitted to raise families? When someone says, “Don’t have kids you can’t afford,” are they aware that they are addressing a significant portion of the population?
Expecting individuals to financially “keep up” with a reality of stagnant wages and high living expenses is unrealistic. Likewise, it is impractical to expect people to give up their dreams of family. I would never advise anyone in our circumstances against having children simply because they feel financially inadequate. We need more families who care about making changes in society. It’s essential to recognize the challenges facing the middle class in this country. If a middle-class income isn’t enough to cover the basic necessities of raising children, then what does that mean for our future? While I don’t have the answers, I always tell friends who are hesitant about having children due to financial concerns: “Have them anyway.”
For those exploring options related to fertility, consider checking out this resource for helpful information. Additionally, this expert article provides insights into the journey of trying to conceive. Lastly, this blog is an excellent source for understanding pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, while financial stability is often emphasized before starting a family, many people, like my partner and me, navigate the complexities of parenthood without the luxury of a solid financial foundation. The reality is that many families are facing similar challenges, and it’s essential to recognize that love and commitment can pave the way for a fulfilling family life, even amidst financial uncertainty.