I’m not here to “check with” anyone—let’s put an end to that outdated notion.
A couple of weeks ago, my vehicle broke down. I managed to get it to the repair shop, communicated with the mechanic, and followed up on the status—all tasks I handled alone because, as a young widow raising two children, I have no one to delegate to.
When the mechanic called with a repair estimate, I was surprised to learn that the issue was more severe than expected and the cost was higher. I told him I’d call back after weighing my options, and he responded, “Great, check with your husband and let me know.”
The truth is, I don’t have a husband to consult. My husband passed away three years ago. Since then, I’ve navigated life as a solo parent, a solo homeowner, and a solo car owner. Throughout these years, there have been countless instances where men have assumed I had a husband at home to confer with regarding decisions or heavy tasks.
I’ve remained silent during these moments. For example, when purchasing a trampoline, a salesperson dismissed my concerns about the uneven lawn by suggesting my husband would handle it. I simply smiled and didn’t correct him. Similarly, at the flooring store, when a clerk advised me to wait for my husband to help with heavy boxes, I loaded them into my car myself while he wasn’t looking.
Initially, I didn’t correct these assumptions due to my grief. At those moments, I could still feel the presence of my husband, and it was easier to lean into the assumption that I was still married. But now, those assumptions feel more like insults to my abilities to make decisions and manage tasks independently. Yet, I still haven’t spoken up.
After my conversation with the mechanic, I realized I didn’t correct him because I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, which is a terrible reason to remain silent. By staying quiet for the sake of someone else’s comfort, I am betraying my own experiences and accomplishments as a solo parent. I’m allowing myself to fade into invisibility when I should be asserting my capabilities.
It’s crucial to recognize that my children are absorbing these assumptions, too. After leaving the trampoline store, my daughter remarked on the salesperson’s comment about needing a husband. I told her I would handle leveling the lawn myself, but I missed an important opportunity to show her that women can do anything they set their minds to. She should have seen me correct the misunderstanding, as it would reinforce her belief in her own capabilities.
It’s 2021, and it’s high time we stop presuming everyone fits into traditional gender roles or relationships. Women can—and do—manage on their own without the need for a partner to validate their capabilities.
While there are occasions when I choose not to speak up for safety reasons, I regret the times I’ve remained silent when I shouldn’t have. By challenging these assumptions, I can help pave the way for future women, including my daughter, to feel empowered in their independence.
I may have missed opportunities to speak up in the past, but I won’t remain silent any longer.
Further Reading
For more insights on navigating parenthood and relationships, check out this related blog post. And if you’re interested in further information on pregnancy and home insemination, this resource provides excellent guidance.
Summary
The author reflects on the challenges of being a young widow and the assumptions made about her marital status and abilities. Through personal anecdotes, she discusses the importance of correcting these misconceptions to empower herself and her children. She emphasizes the need to speak up against outdated norms and encourages women to embrace their independence.