To my dear sons,
Let’s face it: having a penis comes with certain perks. If I had one, I’d probably be tempted to explore and engage with it just like you do. However, as your mother, it’s my responsibility to guide you on the appropriate times and places to “let it out.” Based on your adventurous choices, I think we need to clarify a few things. So listen closely, memorize these words, and embrace them fully:
Just because you can pee almost anywhere doesn’t mean you should.
While it may seem convenient to relieve yourself without searching for a (hopefully clean) restroom, I can assure you that most of the time, a proper toilet isn’t far away. That means there’s absolutely no reason to urinate in or at any of the following places:
- Our front yard
- The neighbors’ front yard
- The street drain
- The local park
- The playground
- Off the porch
- The side of the house
- The cat’s litter box
- Potted plants
- Flower beds
- Coffee cups
- Water guns (especially when they sit in your closet until the pee becomes foul)
Now, don’t think I’m being harsh. Even someone without a penis can appreciate the appeal of having a portable outlet. Resisting the urge to pee in random locations can be tough, but it’s a lesson you need to learn — unless you want to find yourself in a sticky situation with the law.
To ease your burden a bit, I’ll make a rare exception: you can write your name in the snow occasionally. But only when nobody is around to see it.
Most of the time, though, there’s a much more suitable target: the toilet. Challenge yourselves to aim accurately — perhaps even try hitting the water! If you want to make it fun, toss in a few Cheerios. I’d rather lose a bit of cereal than deal with the embarrassment of seeing my child relieve himself in public or discovering unwanted puddles in inappropriate places.
I’m not trying to spoil your fun; I’m simply imparting an essential life lesson that seems to be eluding you. And speaking of things to avoid, let’s add “anything made of cloth or paper” to the list of no-go peeing zones.
With all my love,
Mom
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Summary: In this letter, a mother addresses her sons about the importance of proper urination etiquette, emphasizing the need to only use designated toilets rather than public spaces or inappropriate locations. She acknowledges the allure of having a penis but insists on teaching her children this important life lesson, while also providing a few fun exceptions.