Parenting Insights: Beauty Is Not a Negative Concept
My intelligent, compassionate, and resilient daughter was wrapped in the warmth of a custom fleece blanket, lovingly crafted just for her. In that moment, I realized how deeply she is cherished. Our bedtime routine was sacred—a peaceful escape from siblings, school, and hectic schedules. “Can I share something with you at bedtime?” she often asked, her eyes sparkling with excitement. After reading together, we would sometimes engage in a mother-daughter game of “Would you rather?” or flip through a magazine, picking out our favorites. The comfort of lying together in her bed felt like being two friends sharing secrets during a slumber party—revealing hopes, fears, and even the day’s funny moments.
One night, just before she slipped into slumber, she said, “Mommy, sometimes I ask if I’m fat just to hear you say I’m so skinny.” I was taken aback. “Why would you want to hear that?” I asked, puzzled. “Oh, it just feels so good,” she replied cheerfully. My heart sank as I grappled with her words, which seemed to echo a societal pressure I had hoped to shield her from. Anger surged within me, a tempest of emotions.
“Why are you thinking about this at seven years old?” my mind screamed. “I’ve worked so hard to avoid discussing ‘fat’ or ‘skinny’ in relation to your appearance.” I have always emphasized your creativity, curiosity, compassion, and the incredible things your strong body can achieve. “You’re only seven! Why are you interpreting my silence as a compliment about your body?” I couldn’t help but feel a deep frustration with the world that introduces such plastic ideals of beauty to children at such a young age.
As I recounted this inner turmoil, I understood that as the everyday woman in her life, I play a significant role in shaping her views. It became clear: she was calling out my contradictions.
I have trouble accepting compliments about my appearance. Since becoming a mother to two daughters, I’ve recognized the importance of gracefully receiving praise, whether it’s about an outfit or hairstyle. Yet, my instinct is to downplay any admiration, a habit ingrained in my very being that I struggle to shake. My daughter likely picks up on my unease.
When people compliment her, I often redirect the focus to her character or intelligence, inadvertently dismissing the compliments before she has a chance to embrace them. It’s as if I’m smudging the ink of their kind words, leaving behind a stain of my insecurity. Or I resort to my usual quip, delivered with a self-effacing laugh, “Well, I think so, but I’m biased.”
My well-intentioned efforts to raise a humble and socially secure daughter may have backfired. Perhaps that’s why she seeks my validation. Who can blame her? Sometimes, a girl just wants to feel beautiful and know that those who matter recognize her worth—inside and out.
It’s time to change how we view beauty. My daughter and I often appreciate beauty in nature, art, and others, celebrating it openly. I need to remind myself that acknowledging physical beauty isn’t taboo. A dear friend of mine, a talented artist and mother, offered practical advice to help us embrace discussions about beauty without discomfort.
She suggested exploring beauty’s diverse interpretations. “Talk about beauty openly to help kids form their own definitions,” she said. Questions like, “Can unique or awkward things be beautiful?” or “Can familiarity enhance beauty?” could lead to enlightening conversations. Tying beauty to function or wisdom also adds depth; for instance, appreciating a turtle’s shell not just for its appearance but as a protective home.
These dialogues can happen effortlessly during playdates, museum visits, or casual outings with friends. I remember my grandmother’s striking cheekbones, a feature I admired long before noticing any wrinkles. I want to share that with my daughter.
Moving forward, I’ll make a concerted effort to compliment her outward appearance as genuinely as I celebrate her other qualities. It’s essential she feels beautiful without seeking validation from society’s fleeting standards. I’ll point out the charm of her toothless grin, which highlights her sprinkle of freckles. While my opinion matters, I hope she learns to trust her own self-worth above all else.
Ultimately, my goal is to guide her toward understanding her inherent beauty and the importance of surrounding herself with friends who uplift and celebrate one another. Perhaps we can both learn to embrace compliments more fully. As a mother, I want to be the one who helps pull my daughter away from the overwhelming noise of external judgment.
This article originally appeared on July 18, 2011.
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Summary
This article explores the challenges of navigating beauty standards in parenting, emphasizing the importance of nurturing a child’s self-esteem while addressing societal pressures. It encourages open conversations about beauty, both inner and outer, and the need for mothers to model positive self-acceptance.