As a mother of three, I find it surprising that I’ve never had a baby shower. My journey began with the birth of my daughter in 1992, followed by the adoption of my two sons from China in 2012 and 2013 when they were two and three years old. Now, I juggle life with a twenty-two-year-old and two energetic preschoolers. Life certainly has its chaotic moments! (And yes, I’m well aware of the age difference and how “full” my hands are.)
During my pregnancy with my daughter, complications arose late in the term, putting a damper on any celebration. While I received gifts and cards, I longed for the quintessential experience of a “diaper cake”—the charming creation made from diapers and baby washcloths. I admit it: I envy those who can effortlessly craft such items. I missed out on the “oohs” and “aahs” while unwrapping pink-themed gifts, the refreshing sherbet punch in my honor, and the fun of playing games like the diaper pin challenge (where saying the word “baby” is a no-no).
When we brought our boys home, the customary celebrations were absent. I can count the number of cards and gifts we received on one hand. This wasn’t due to a lack of friends or support, but rather a societal tendency to treat adoption differently than traditional birth. When a woman is expecting, we shower her with kindness and ask about her well-being. Sure, we might share some horror stories, but generally, the atmosphere is supportive. Flowers, balloons, and meals pour in to help new parents adjust.
But adoption? It seems to be viewed through a different lens. The excitement and anticipation surrounding a child entering a family through adoption often go unnoticed. While I understand that the traditional baby shower isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, why aren’t adoption celebrations more commonplace? The adoptive mother-to-be is just as much a mother, albeit without the familiar physical signs of pregnancy. She is overwhelmed, anxious, and excited, with a long list of things to accomplish before bringing her child home.
Shortly after our first son arrived, a neighbor asked me to help organize meals for a new mother, completely overlooking my own transition. That request hit hard, especially since no meals had been offered to us when we returned home with a confused two-year-old. Our adjustment period was challenging, marked by jet lag and toddler meltdowns, leaving me feeling isolated.
A month later, I attended a lavish baby shower for three of my colleagues. My “new baby” was three years old at that point, and while I recognized the difference, it would have been nice to feel celebrated too. I tried to be gracious but ended up leaving after only five minutes, overwhelmed by feelings of exclusion. My coworkers, unaware of my struggles, expressed their apologies, but the moment was still awkward.
These experiences have left me with lingering feelings of envy and disappointment. It’s not about the gifts or the cake (though I do love cake); it’s about recognizing a significant milestone. Each time I receive a baby shower invitation, I’m reminded of what I missed. If my friends had known how important these celebrations were to me, perhaps things would have been different.
Next time you hear about a friend planning to adopt, remember that adoption is a deliberate and monumental journey. The paperwork alone can be overwhelming; it’s a process that often feels like a “shout from the rooftops” moment. Instead of asking if they’re ready for the challenges ahead, offer your support and kindness. Don’t assume that a family adopting doesn’t want recognition. Every child joining a loving family deserves a celebration, even if they’re not newborns. A simple gathering with some cake and maybe a few balloons can mean the world.
For more insights on family planning, check out our piece on the At-Home Insemination Kit, or learn about Emily and Max’s journey with Ovulation Induction. Additionally, the CDC provides excellent resources on infertility and related topics.
In summary, it’s essential to celebrate the different paths families take to grow. Adoption is just as worthy of a celebration as traditional childbirth, and recognizing this can make all the difference in a mother’s journey.