While I was upstairs putting my youngest to bed, I overheard my mother-in-law grumbling about our dishwasher. Sure, her help in loading it was appreciated, but the constant criticism was not. She repeatedly labeled it “unacceptable.” My wife, who was in the kitchen with her, tried to explain that it still functions and that a new one isn’t financially feasible right now. Yet, she wouldn’t relent, insisting my wife deserved better.
I won’t deny that our dishwasher is quite the relic. Yes, my wife and family deserve something more reliable. However, with the added expenses of braces for our kids, youth sports, and car repairs on our minivan, we simply can’t swing a new appliance. Anyone with young children can understand how costs stack up. The dishwasher came with the larger house we purchased about a year ago. Initially, it seemed fine, but after a year of use, we realized it wasn’t installed correctly. Now, every time we open the door, half of it tips out and crashes to the ground, leading to chipped finishes and dishes tumbling forward. The door springs are faulty too, so it can unexpectedly slam down and hit you in the knee.
But, as my wife pointed out, it does work. Between braces, sports, and our aging vehicle, our finances just don’t allow for a new one right now.
Unfortunately, this reality doesn’t seem to register with my in-laws or my own parents. It never does. At 35 years old, married for over a decade, I still find myself facing criticism about our choices. Back in college, when my wife was working full-time in retail while I waited tables, my mother felt compelled to tell me that our barely affordable two-bedroom farmhouse was “not acceptable” and that I should be doing more for my family.
After graduating, it took us nearly two years to qualify for a mortgage on a small 1,000 square foot home. This was a significant milestone for us, but when we showed it to our parents, they were critical, insisting it was too cramped and unacceptable. Once we finally moved into a larger, nicer home in a better neighborhood, I had to listen to my mother-in-law say we should have never purchased a used house.
Through the challenges of raising kids, maintaining our marriage, and completing our education, my wife and I have fought hard to establish ourselves. Yet, criticism from our more established parents continues to sting. We’ve consistently provided a clean, safe home, dependable transportation, nutritious meals, clean clothes, and health insurance. Still, none of this seems to impress them.
I can’t help but reflect on their pasts and wonder if they’ve forgotten the struggles they faced at our age. My mother lived in a questionable trailer park during her early twenties with my older sister and her first husband. I know my in-laws resided in a rundown farmhouse similar to the one my wife and I rented when we first married. I’ve seen images of their old family cars, and they weren’t exactly top-of-the-line.
Establishing Oneself Takes Time
Here’s a simple truth: establishing oneself takes time—years, in fact. So, to parents and in-laws, the next time you visit your child’s home, think back to where you were at that age. Remember that you didn’t have everything figured out back then either. Please hold back your judgments regarding their housing, appliances, or vehicles. Understand that your children are working tirelessly, and don’t expect them to be ahead of where you were at the same stage. Avoid comparing them to siblings because each journey is unique. Unless the situation is genuinely unsafe, keep your unsolicited advice to yourself. Your children would likely love a bigger home or better appliances if they could afford them. Until then, they are living within their means, which is an accomplishment you should celebrate.
So, during your next visit, pause before commenting on that slightly mismatched washer set, the well-worn carpet, or the dented minivan that still runs well. Remember your own struggles and the time it took you to reach where you are now, and then, just be quiet.
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In Summary
Baby Boomers, it’s important to remember that younger generations are working hard to establish their lives. Criticism about their choices only adds unnecessary pressure. Reflect on your own past before judging them, and support them in their journey instead.