As someone who’s navigated the world of Ikea furniture, I can tell you that it’s a lot like parenting. Despite the challenges, many of us find ourselves drawn back, convinced that this time will be different—that this piece of furniture won’t test our patience to the limit. Here’s a proven strategy to make your next Ikea assembly a little less chaotic (and help you keep your relationship intact):
- Start after the kids are asleep; you’ll be energized and ready to tackle the task ahead.
- Glance through the instructions quickly.
- When your partner asks if you have a plan, chuckle confidently and respond, “Please, even a monkey could do this!”
- Begin with the straightforward insertion of dowel rods.
- Think to yourself, “I’ll finish this in 20 minutes and still have time for my favorite show.”
- Secure the first nut and insert the bolt.
- Attempt to turn the bolt using your fingernail—repeat until you break a nail.
- Use pliers to hold the nut in place (as suggested).
- While gripping the nut, utilize the Allen wrench to tighten the bolt.
- Watch in frustration as the bolt tumbles to the floor.
- Use your foot to stabilize the pliers.
- Place the bolt in the hole with one hand while twisting the Allen wrench with the other.
- Consider reaching out to a primate for assistance.
- Hesitantly accept your partner’s help, since they don’t agree with using feet for tools—unless you’re a monkey.
- Observe as your partner “assists,” only to have the wrench slip and send all pieces crashing down.
- For a moment, entertain the idea of homicide.
- Think, “Allen, wherever you are, I will find you, and I will make you pay.”
- Take a breather with a glass of wine and search for the “inventor of the Allen wrench.”
- Learn that the inventor has passed away—one less task on your list.
- Curse his name (Allen) and hope he’s condemned to an eternal afterlife of assembling furniture with his wrench.
- Return to the assembly and find that the last step lacks a hole for the bolt.
- Raid your toolbox and resort to a hammer and nails—because hitting things is oddly satisfying.
- Discover that over-tightening the bolts can split the wood. In fact, the wood seems to be sensitive to any minor disturbance.
- But when you attempt to create an extra hole, the wood stands firm like the Great Wall.
- Exclaim, “Forget this!” and pour yourself another glass of wine, wondering how fast it would all ignite.
- Turn to power tools, even though the instructions clearly advise against it.
- If you don’t have tools, head to the store to purchase some and grab more wine.
- Hand the power tools to your partner, who is currently cursing Ikea’s CEO and wishing for their eternal damnation.
- Enjoy another glass of wine while watching your partner finally drill the hole and attach the last piece.
- Only to realize that there was already a hole and that the piece is installed backwards.
- Watch in bemused horror as your partner’s eyes shoot laser beams, channeling the spirit of Zuul.
- Down another glass of wine.
- Retire to bed, vowing to never buy another piece of Ikea furniture again.
- Yet, come next month, you’ll find yourself shopping for more.
So there you have it. The secret to surviving Ikea assembly? A generous supply of wine.
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Summary
Assembling Ikea furniture may resemble a chaotic adventure, akin to parenting, marked by trials and humorous mishaps. With a strategy in place and perhaps a glass of wine, you may find the experience a bit more manageable. Despite the challenges, many will inevitably return for more Ikea projects.