Welcome to our advice column where we tackle all your questions about life, love, body image, friendships, parenting, and more. This week, we’re addressing a concern many couples face: What do you do when you’ve decided not to have more children, but your partner won’t agree to a vasectomy?
Dear Home Insemination Kit,
My spouse and I have enjoyed a happy marriage for a decade, and we have two children, aged 8 and 5. Since our youngest was born, we’ve both agreed that we don’t want any more kids. This is a firm decision for me, especially after dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety. Additionally, I can’t take hormonal birth control for various reasons, and I’m not keen on getting an IUD due to the painful insertion process and associated risks. I feel like I’ve endured enough physical strain already. It’s interesting how they provide plenty of medication for a vasectomy yet only ibuprofen for an IUD!
Unfortunately, my partner refuses to consider a vasectomy. He’s terrified of the pain and won’t even schedule a consultation. Before our second child was born, he assured me he would get the procedure done, which makes me feel deceived. I’m genuinely afraid of an unplanned pregnancy and the possibility of having to consider abortion or dealing with an unwanted third child. Because of this, we haven’t been intimate for over a year. What should I do?
It’s tough to take concerns about pain seriously when you’ve witnessed your partner bring children into the world, whether through vaginal delivery or cesarean section—both of which are far from easy. Your feelings are completely valid.
I assume this is a topic you’ve revisited numerous times over the years. Does he shut down when you address it? If so, he may need to understand that he must communicate his fears and feelings with the person he chose to share his life and children with.
Couples counseling could be incredibly beneficial in this situation. If therapy is an option for you, I encourage you to pursue it. The anxiety you’re experiencing must be overwhelming, and it’s crucial to find a resolution. Your partner needs to explore why he is so resistant to this procedure, as it’s negatively affecting your sexual relationship, marriage, and overall well-being. He may realize that his reasons for avoiding the procedure cannot justify the impact it has on your lives and may need professional guidance to work through it.
While avoiding unintended pregnancies is essential, a year without intimacy is significant. Whether his fear of pain is genuine, or if he associates his masculinity with his ability to conceive, or if he’s simply being stubborn, he might benefit from hearing another perspective. Sometimes, a therapist can help in ways that discussions between partners cannot.
Both of you need to validate each other’s feelings, but it’s clear he’s the one who misled you about your agreement on the vasectomy. I strongly recommend seeking counseling as soon as possible. You deserve clarity and respect in your relationship, and I hope you find it.
For more insights into this topic, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination. Also, consider visiting this related blog post for further information. If you’re curious about self-insemination methods, this authority on the topic provides valuable guidance.
Summary:
A woman is struggling with her partner’s refusal to get a vasectomy after they agreed not to have more children. Despite her valid concerns and health issues, he is unwilling to discuss the situation or seek professional help. Counseling is recommended to address their communication issues and validate each other’s feelings.