Ask Home Insemination Kit: My Partner and I Can’t Agree on My Stepdaughter’s Chores

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This week’s dilemma: Should children who stay with you part-time be expected to do household chores?

Dear Home Insemination Kit,

I’m a mother of two young children and have a 14-year-old ‘bonus’ daughter who visits us every other weekend, plus occasionally one night a week. I cherish my relationship with her, but there’s a disagreement between my partner and I. I believe she should have designated chores and help out around the house when she’s here, while he thinks that since her time with us is so limited, we shouldn’t burden her with chores and let her enjoy her visits. She keeps her room relatively organized, but she doesn’t help with tasks like sweeping, vacuuming, or other general household responsibilities. My partner has offered to handle her chores himself, which is great, but that’s not really the point. I feel she needs to contribute something while she’s here, beyond just tidying her own space. My partner has asked me to stop “nagging her” and warned that he might resent me if she ends up disliking her time at our home. I would love to get some outside perspective on this!

I understand your perspective, but I lean towards your partner’s viewpoint. Hear me out.

Understanding the Situation

For starters, she isn’t neglecting her responsibilities. You mentioned that she keeps her room tidy, which is a significant achievement for most teenagers (especially compared to my two, whose rooms resemble a science project gone wrong). It seems like she is managing her personal space well. As long as she takes care of her belongings in the common areas—like putting her dishes in the sink or throwing away her waste—that should be sufficient. If she were creating a mess everywhere and disregarding who would clean up after her, that would be a different story, but that doesn’t seem to be the case from your description.

Your stepdaughter not taking on “real” chores isn’t adding extra strain on you since your partner, who sounds very helpful, is willing to step in. If you’re concerned about setting a precedent for your younger kids, don’t sweat it. I assure you that they’re not keeping track of how many chores their sister is doing, especially if there’s a significant age difference—they’re just glad to have her around.

Teaching Responsibility

If your main worry is about teaching her responsibility, that’s valid, but she can learn those lessons in other ways, such as adhering to your household rules while she’s there. Chances are, she’s doing her fair share of chores at her other parent’s home, so she is likely learning those skills, just not in front of you.

Lastly, it’s essential to consider how much this matters to your partner. He may feel that he doesn’t have enough time with her and wants to maximize their moments together, which is commendable. In relationships, sometimes it’s crucial to choose your battles, and this one doesn’t seem to be that significant in the grand scheme of things.

A Different Perspective

Think of it this way: when you stay at a hotel, you’re not expected to clean up common areas just because you spent some time there. While your home isn’t a hotel, your stepdaughter is only there part-time and shouldn’t have to contribute much to the upkeep, especially when it’s important to her dad.

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Conclusion

In summary, while you want your stepdaughter to contribute, it’s essential to balance that with the limited time she spends with you. Letting her enjoy her visits while maintaining her personal space might be a better approach that respects your partner’s wishes and fosters a positive relationship.