I believe society has unfairly stigmatized sex. For far too long, discussing it has been controversial, but recently, conversations around this once-taboo topic have begun to flourish. Many view sex as something shameful, while it can actually be a beautiful expression of love between two individuals. Yet, because it often occurs behind closed doors, many feel embarrassed discussing it.
When parents discover their daughter is pregnant, they frequently react with anger or disappointment. This isn’t just an issue for teenage moms; even women in their twenties face shaming when they become pregnant. Some fathers may even go silent for days or weeks, but who, in this scenario, is really acting like a child? Withholding communication won’t remedy the situation.
Often, I think parents aren’t really upset about their daughter’s pregnancy but rather that she has had sex. The idealized image they held of their innocent daughter is shattered. They may have envisioned her as the next Virgin Mary, but once reality sets in, they realize she is sexually active.
At 21, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant while completing my senior year of college. When I shared the news with my mother, I was met with disappointment and a barrage of questions about how I could let this happen. Perhaps if there had been open discussions about sex during my upbringing, this could have been avoided.
In my relationship with my now-husband, I sought to take responsible steps and get on birth control. However, I was hesitant because I was on my father’s health insurance and worried about the details appearing on any statements. In an attempt to seek help, I texted my mother, only to find her response disheartening. She told me I was an adult and should manage it myself. This was the same parent who had approached me at 13, urging me to inform her when I started having sex so she could help me obtain birth control. It was puzzling that when I actually asked for guidance, she distanced herself.
Left to navigate this alone, I discovered that the local free clinic wouldn’t assist those with insurance. So, we reverted to our previous method of protection—condoms. Unfortunately, they aren’t always reliable. After returning from a study abroad trip, caught up in the moment with my boyfriend, we neglected to use one. I remembered what I had learned from a random advertisement, so we purchased emergency contraception, only to find out later that I fell into the 5% who still became pregnant.
When the moment came to tell my parents, I was particularly anxious about my father’s reaction. However, he surprised me with his understanding. He hugged me and reassured me everything would be okay. I was about to graduate with a degree in Biomedical Sciences, and my boyfriend was set to graduate with a degree in Mechanical Engineering as well. We were not kids, yet we were still met with disappointment. While my father didn’t explicitly express his discontent, his lack of enthusiasm was evident. Why the fuss? He wasn’t married when my mother was pregnant, and they were only teenagers at that time.
I attempted to explain my situation to my father, emphasizing that I had tried to be responsible, but he quickly dismissed me, saying, “Gross, I don’t want to hear about that.” This illustrates a significant issue: we cannot have honest discussions about sex with those who should be our greatest supporters. Instead of being concerned about whether our children are sexually active, we should prioritize ensuring they engage in safe practices. That approach would have meant so much more.
I am not alone; many young women face similar challenges. Parents often create awkward situations, even when their children are of an age where starting a family is normal. I once came across a comment on social media about a woman who became pregnant at 22 after marriage, only to face disappointment from her father. Did he really think that on her wedding night, she and her husband simply played cards? We are adults, and we deserve autonomy over our bodies; so, parents should be prepared for the reality of their children being sexually active.
As a mother now, I want to take a different approach with my son. The strategy of avoiding discussions about sex clearly hasn’t worked, so I plan to be open with him. I want to teach him about his body and the importance of respecting it. For me, the priority isn’t whether he has sex; it’s ensuring he shares that experience safely with someone he cares about.
Let’s shift our focus from hoping our children will remain abstinent into their forties to guiding them through the complexities of intimacy. Although I didn’t plan to become a mother at 22, I’m grateful for the opportunity to be a positive influence in my son’s life and to empower him as he grows.
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In summary, it’s crucial to foster open dialogues about sex and pregnancy. By doing so, we can create a more supportive environment for the next generation.