My mother always said I’m “as straightforward as a ruler.” While I’m not entirely clear on what that means, one thing is for sure: I value honesty. What you see is what you get—no frills, just the unvarnished truth.
However, the downside of being an honest person is the tendency to assume that everyone else shares the same trait. You might naturally believe that others have good intentions, are trustworthy, and act kindly. Unfortunately, that’s not always the reality.
I’ve learned this the hard way, often finding myself hurt by my overly trusting nature. Perhaps you can relate. We’ve all experienced moments when a coworker took credit for our ideas, or a stranger felt entitled to critique our parenting choices. Even friends can disappoint us with poor advice or by undermining our confidence to feel superior.
I find it astonishing when I discover someone has been sharing misleading information. It’s disheartening to see others embellish stories for personal gain, and it infuriates me to know that some people hide behind “honesty” to belittle others. Maybe I have a touch of optimism, but I struggle to comprehend how people can act this way and still feel at peace.
After facing betrayal more than once, I’ve turned to a small circle of trusted friends and family for support. Yet, my inclination to believe in the goodness of others makes it challenging to discern who truly has my best interests at heart. Who is genuinely trying to help, and who is simply stroking their own ego? Does this individual want to elevate others or keep them down? And do they even know what they are talking about?
While many advocate that honesty is the best policy, we must ask ourselves: What if someone’s idea of honesty is just a harsh, unhelpful opinion? How can we identify who is worth trusting?
Elizabeth Carter offers valuable insights for those of us who tend to be overly trusting. After being hurt by someone who masqueraded as a friend while giving her mean-spirited advice under the guise of “brutal honesty,” she devised a four-part test to evaluate whether to trust someone with her creative endeavors or seek professional guidance. Here’s her checklist:
- Do I trust this person’s taste and judgment?
- Does this individual understand what I’m trying to achieve?
- Does this person genuinely desire my success?
- Can they deliver the truth with sensitivity and compassion?
To simplify, Carter’s criteria can be summed up as follows: Does the person possess good judgment? Do they understand my perspective? Do they want what’s best for me? Are they kind?
If you can’t answer “yes” to all these questions, Carter suggests it’s better to refrain from sharing your thoughts with that person and adopt a “thanks, but no thanks” approach to their advice. With her four-question guide, she finds it easier to surround herself with individuals who genuinely support her growth, rather than feeling weighed down by negative influences.
As I reflected on who in my life meets all four of these criteria, I realized the list was surprisingly short. And that’s perfectly acceptable. In today’s world, where we’re bombarded with information, it’s essential to filter out the noise effectively. While we certainly don’t need constant affirmation, receiving poorly delivered advice can be equally harmful.
“If I’m going to open myself up to you, I need to know I can trust you, that you understand me, and that you genuinely want me to succeed. Most importantly, you should be capable of delivering your honesty in a compassionate way,” Carter explains.
Indeed! People do not deserve our trust simply because they voice their opinions under the banner of “brutal honesty.” Not everyone is entitled to share their thoughts on our lives—even if they call themselves friends. Honesty alone isn’t enough; trust requires kindness.
Remember, honesty is only the best policy when it’s also thoughtful and considerate. For more insights and information about enhancing your journey to parenthood, consider checking out our post on fertility boosters for men and resources like Resolve.
In summary, while being trusting can lead to disappointment, implementing criteria for discerning who to trust can help you surround yourself with those who genuinely support you. Embrace the idea that not everyone’s opinion is valuable, and prioritize kindness alongside honesty.