Recently, I stumbled upon a discussion in a parenting group that advocated for responding to a toddler’s biting behavior with retaliatory actions such as biting the child back, flicking them on the mouth, or even using hot sauce. Rather than addressing a normal but challenging behavior through nurturing or teaching, these suggestions reflected an approach rooted in pain and punishment—essentially violence.
Shortly after, tragic news of a school shooting in Florida emerged. The haunting images of terrified teens seeking refuge under desks, evacuating with raised hands, and the staggering count of lives lost weighed heavily on my heart. I spent that day contemplating the persistent violence permeating our society: mass shootings, domestic abuse, toxic masculinity, and the prevailing culture of assault.
Five years ago, while pregnant with my son, I sat at my desk watching the news of the Sandy Hook tragedy unfold. I was filled with disbelief, grappling with the reality of bringing a child into a world capable of such horrors. Now, expecting my daughter, I found myself experiencing the heartbreaking familiarity of witnessing another school crisis unfold.
In the interim, the frequency of these violent incidents has only escalated; over 400 people have been shot in more than 200 school shootings. This leaves me questioning the societal norms that still condone raising children in environments where they may experience violence from their own caregivers from a young age.
I want to clarify that I am not suggesting a simplistic view that links spanking directly to future violent behavior. However, when we respond to an 18-month-old’s frustration—expressed through hitting or biting—with similar aggression, we establish a troubling precedent. We inadvertently communicate that the world is unsafe, and that emotional expression is met with violence.
The toddler who experiences retaliation for their actions grows into a three-year-old who is shamed for accidents and later becomes a six-year-old who learns to hide mistakes to avoid punishment. This child evolves into a teenager who, armed with newfound independence and exposure to a myriad of influences, may not know how to navigate complex emotions or conflicts without resorting to aggression.
I am not here to dictate whether or not to use corporal punishment. Rather, I wish to emphasize that all child behaviors—good or bad—carry a message. Children are not simply acting out to annoy us. Each action reflects a deeper need or emotion that must be understood. When we resort to punishment without seeking to connect with our children, we miss the opportunity to teach them emotional regulation and problem-solving skills.
As we discuss the root causes of our society’s violence—pointing fingers at guns, mental health issues, or media portrayals—we often overlook our role in shaping the emotional lives of our children. I encourage parents to observe their children closely and recognize their vulnerability. Reflect on the messages conveyed through your interactions—messages about their self-worth, safety, and the trustworthiness of their caregivers.
In doing so, we can foster a sense of security and confidence in our children, which is crucial for their development.
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Summary
In examining how we raise our children, we must consider the implicit messages we send regarding emotional expression and safety. By addressing their behaviors with empathy rather than punishment, we can contribute to breaking the cycle of violence and supporting healthier emotional development.