My 4-year-old son Max came running up to me after preschool, tears streaming down his face. It turns out he had just constructed a sentence that was so outrageous it caught the attention of his teacher. After a brief moment of sobbing, he exclaimed, “Mommy, I said my sister has a stinky diaper and needs to go to the potty. Ms. Taylor said I can’t use those words in class!”
With wide eyes, he asked the most innocent question, “Mommy… what’s a potty word?”
I had to stifle a laugh, but I knew that reacting with humor could just complicate things for him. I pulled him into a hug, reassured him that mistakes are part of learning, and promised to chat more in the car. I turned to Ms. Taylor and explained with a gentle smile that we hadn’t really covered “potty words” at home yet. And there’s a solid reason for that—my partner and I only restrict the language our kids use at home if it’s meant to hurt someone.
Yep, I said it. In our house, my 4-year-old is free to use “potty talk” anywhere within our walls, and I honestly don’t care what anyone thinks about it.
In our cozy home, swearing is acceptable as long as it’s not aimed at hurting anyone, and words like “poop” can be amusing, even if not everyone appreciates them. Instead of enforcing strict rules, we prioritize teaching our kids about respecting boundaries and personal space. We’ve made it clear that what’s okay at home may not be suitable for school.
We guide them to understand that not every situation calls for colorful language and that some folks might not want to hear about bathroom-related topics, especially during mealtime. That’s why Max occasionally lets loose with words at home but hasn’t yet done so in front of his classmates.
The only reason I think Max felt bold enough to mention diapers in front of his teacher is that we’ve just started discussing why bathroom talk can be sensitive for some. We don’t treat his potty word excitement as a big deal.
When Max tearfully shared his “offensive” comment, I made sure to let Ms. Taylor know we’d help him understand why those words aren’t appropriate for the classroom. However, I didn’t apologize for his words; honestly, I didn’t believe he needed to apologize. He was simply describing his sister in what he thought was a silly, slightly taboo way, and I didn’t want to shame him for being curious about language in a new setting. Spoiler alert: I’m not bothered if my kids occasionally say something inappropriate in public.
Just to clarify, I’m not suggesting that Max should roam freely, hurling offensive language at others whenever he likes. I don’t just sit by when he behaves disrespectfully. In our home, we teach the values of kindness, equality, and acceptance, and we have zero tolerance for hate. But I’ll never pressure my kids to feel ashamed for wanting to occasionally explore potty talk or express themselves openly within our family. Max understands, at least as much as a preschooler can, the context of when certain words are appropriate. At home, he knows he can express himself freely without fearing harsh consequences.
It’s essential to emphasize that we strive to create a judgment-free environment where our kids can confidently explore their thoughts and experiences, make mistakes, and learn. We engage in open conversations, implement natural consequences for crossing boundaries, and always keep the door open for hugs. This approach has resulted in children who feel comfortable asking for help, getting messy, and loving themselves without hesitation. It has also empowered Max to thrive in his preschool.
After attending our first parent-teacher conference this year, I received glowing feedback about Max. His teachers noted his inclusiveness in activities, generosity toward classmates, willingness to ask for assistance, and ability to express his feelings to adults. While these praises are heartwarming, I already knew my son was on the right path because he feels secure enough to navigate life’s ups and downs with me by his side.
Ultimately, I’m not just focused on raising a child who fits neatly into societal norms. I recognize this viewpoint may go against conventional parenting, but that’s perfectly fine with me. I refuse to have my family adhere to outdated traditions simply because they’ve been passed down through generations. My own childhood experiences taught me that conditioning a child to strictly “behave” often leads to deeper issues of shame that society struggles to address. I’m still working through the emotional fallout from my upbringing, which has caused me to distrust others and struggle with self-acceptance.
There’s never going to be a moment in my parenting journey when I decide to embrace the shame culture, no matter how much politeness it may instill in children. More than anything, I want to nurture a child who loves herself and others deeply, feels safe to express her true self, and isn’t afraid to take meaningful risks in life. I hope she can navigate life with joy, curiosity, and a sense of wonder.
If singing silly songs about toots gives my son the confidence to soar, then this mama is all in. I don’t mind my lively kid using potty words at home, and I never will.
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Summary: In this article, Jenna Rivers shares her parenting philosophy, which embraces the use of “potty talk” at home while teaching her children the importance of context and respect. Through humor and open communication, she fosters a safe environment where her kids can express themselves without fear of shame. Jenna highlights the significance of raising emotionally healthy children who are confident and kind, all while balancing traditional expectations with modern parenting values.