Dear Restoration Hardware,
As a leading name in consumer goods, I assume you appreciate feedback regarding your offerings. I recently perused your latest baby & child catalog, and I must say, it’s a visual feast—luxurious and chic—though hefty enough to rival the weight of an average full-term newborn.
As I flipped through each exquisitely crafted page, which makes my holiday card stock feel like coarse sandpaper, a few questions came to mind.
Questions About Your Offerings
First off, I’m curious about your employees’ workday habits. After seeing your price tags, I couldn’t help but wonder if your marketing team might be indulging a bit too much—perhaps enjoying a cocktail or two while crafting these extravagant listings.
Additionally, I have to ask where you hold your focus groups. Are they conducted in an upscale Beverly Hills enclave? Perhaps at the Spelling Mansion or on a set of a reality TV show? Regardless, I found myself unable to look away—much like a car crash made entirely of custom tufted silks.
I noticed several items that piqued my interest, starting with your nursery selections. Though my days of baby planning are behind me, your designs clearly appeal to a market craving fresh concepts.
This revelation was enlightening; I’ve always thought my tastes leaned toward the everyday and sensible, but clearly, I’ve overlooked the “Royal Infant, Salute to Will and Kate” aesthetic. A couple of questions arise:
- Isn’t it a tad unusual for a crib to cost more than what I paid for my first Manhattan apartment?
- If my child’s personal butler is on holiday when my order arrives, will you assist with the setup, or is that a premium service?
- Why not expand into a clothing line? Can you imagine a child dressed in a basic onesie within such a lavish nursery? Would they spontaneously combust upon entry?
- And, is that genuine lead crystal on the ceiling lamp? You know, the one within toddler reach. I’m just trying to assess the severity of any potential injuries from those sharp glass edges.
Lighting Options
Now, let’s discuss your lighting options. The variety is vast! I appreciate knowing that my children can enjoy their Goldfish snacks under proper lighting, which is essential for those all-important tea parties. Plus, the crystal fixtures complement my son’s light sabers beautifully.
Before I finalize my order, I have a few more queries:
- Can I secure these light fixtures while I consult my insurance provider about increasing our personal liability coverage?
- How is the child in your advertisement coping without furniture in her room? Does she realize her parents have spent their finances on light fixtures, leaving her to sit on a pillow? She seems unfazed, yet I can’t help but wonder if the padded walls are a sign of deeper issues. Is she alright? Or is she penning a journal filled with years of unexpressed resentment?
Comfort and Practicality
Lastly, I must thank you for tackling a significant concern of mine: how to ensure my kids can unwind comfortably.
Your Vintage Cigar Leather Sofa is a game changer. Without it, my children would have to suffer the indignity of using regular adult furniture after a long day of play. Where else could they plan their world travels? I certainly can’t have them sitting on the floor while watching Disney Junior!
The leather material is a blessing—easy to clean off most spills and blends nicely with any stray marker stains. It’s practically essential at a price point of just under $2,000. How have I survived without it?
And let’s not forget the time-out chair. How do I guarantee my child understands the importance of their timeout? With the Orbit Spitfire Chair, of course! My child will sit in a snug pod while contemplating their next move. They’ll know I mean business—after all, I opted for the basic upholstery without built-in speakers. That should send a clear message.
After finishing your catalog, I felt enlightened—not just in decor but also in potential home equity loans. I hope you consider producing seasonal editions so I can continuously aspire to new decor throughout the year.
Congratulations are in order, too. Your latest collection makes even Pottery Barn Kids appear affordable and sensible, which is quite an achievement.
Thank you in advance for addressing my inquiries. If you ever decide to manufacture strollers that outclass my 2010 automobile, I would love to be one of the first to know.
Summary
This open letter humorously critiques Restoration Hardware Baby & Child’s extravagant catalog, questioning the practicality and pricing of their luxury baby furniture and decor. The author expresses a blend of admiration and bewilderment at the opulence while raising concerns about safety and accessibility for children.