A Letter of Truths
My Dearest,
Where do I even start? I can still vividly recall the moment you entered my life. At just three months old, you were my little bundle of joy, always reaching for my big hoop earrings, pulling me close to you. I remember kissing those sweet lips and promising to pull us out of our struggles. I vowed to break the cycle and be the role model I never had.
Yet, despite my efforts, it feels like I’ve let you down. Your judgment of my choices weighs heavily on me. I could take criticism from anyone else, but your disappointment cuts deep. I thought that as long as I had you looking up to me, failure wouldn’t be an option. But the distance I feel from you now is heartbreaking, and I need you to truly see me.
Let’s go back to the beginning. No one wants to admit it, but I was not attractive growing up. My curly hair was a challenge for anyone, including my dad, to manage. I often wore mismatched outfits, justifying my choices based on color. But I made sure you never had to experience that shame, that feeling of inadequacy. You never faced the embarrassment of wearing clothes that clashed or having hair that didn’t meet the societal standards of beauty.
Throughout your middle school years, I moved you back and forth between schools, which shattered your stability. I remember a teacher leading the class in chants, and I wanted nothing more than to disappear from that moment. I couldn’t explain the hopelessness I felt due to the chaos around us. I dropped out of high school, missing the joy of graduation, while you walked across that stage. I know you resented me for pushing you, but I did it to ensure you wouldn’t suffer the same fate as me.
I’ve lived every day striving to be someone you could look up to. We began this journey from rock bottom, reliant on food stamps and the kindness of others. I wanted more for us than mere survival; I wanted us to thrive. I had to make difficult choices between time and a stable life, and I can’t say for certain if I made the right ones. But I’ve always fought for your dreams, working tirelessly to provide you a better life.
I have worked long hours, often bringing work home, and while it may have seemed effortless, it was exhausting. I started with nothing but a desire to create a better future for us. I faced rejection and had to push past my comfort zone to achieve this life. I know sacrifices were made along the way.
I regret never being able to participate in the PTA or be the class mom you might have wanted. I didn’t have the time or energy. Yet, despite my chaotic presence, I showed up for you. I know you see a disheveled woman rushing in, but you should understand that I fought hard to ensure you had what you needed. I wasn’t perfect, but I was always in your corner.
I have replayed my mistakes in my mind countless times. I’ve felt the weight of every misstep, every moment I lost my patience or couldn’t be there on time. I realize now that I need you to see me for who I am. I didn’t have a mother figure for much of my life, and I was only 19 when you came into this world. I’ve made countless mistakes, but know that I would go to any length for you.
So, my dear, please find it in your heart to forgive me. See me for who I truly am and recognize the lengths I’ve gone to for you.
With all my love,
Mom