Ah, children. They truly are a blessing, aren’t they? Remember those carefree days before the little ones arrived? When we could acquire beautiful belongings and place them wherever we liked, knowing they would remain untouched? Those were good times.
Now, however, it seems everything has been upended — our homes, our cars, and even our sanity! How did we end up here? It’s as though my kids possess some sort of magnetic energy that draws them to everything I hold dear, only to obliterate it in seconds.
So, I’ve decided to pen an “open letter” to my little tornadoes, even if they never actually read it. After all, they excel at leaving things open — just like the stale snacks in my pantry. Here goes nothing; I suppose I enjoy talking to myself.
Dear Beloved Children,
You are the light of my life and the very reason I wake up each day. Yet, you also drive me to the brink of madness. I adore having you around, just not in the same space that I cherish. I thought parenthood would mold me into a selfless saint, but guess what? I still have a few things that are mine. Here are some of those precious items I’d appreciate you staying away from:
My Bed
I admit it was cute when you were tiny and snuggled up beside me. But now, you’ve grown — and sharing a bed means dodging elbows, drool, and the occasional accidental bite. It’s like sleeping with a mini Mike Tyson!
The Guest Bathroom
This pristine sanctuary is the last remnant of my pre-kid life. With its white monogrammed towels and fancy soaps, it’s a peaceful escape from the chaos. So why do you insist on turning it into your personal playground? You have your own bathroom for a reason! Can I please have one room that remains undisturbed?
My Purse
Your search for my phone or spare change has turned my purse into a banana-infested trash compactor. Please, it’s not a dumpster! If you’re keen on discovering half-eaten snacks and sticky gum, maybe parenthood is your calling!
My Phone
Why is my phone perpetually dead? Because while I attempt to have a conversation with an adult, you’re streaming videos, snapping selfies, or showcasing your latest dance moves. Thanks a lot!
My Bedroom
You might want to steer clear of my bedroom and closet unless you’re interested in stumbling upon some very personal items. And that “mini lightsaber” you found? Just put it down and back away slowly!
My Makeup
This is a note primarily for my daughter, but if my son suddenly embraces a goth phase, this applies to you too.
My Good Chocolate
I know you’d prefer your Halloween Tootsie Rolls, so please spare me the agony of watching you raid my stash of fancy truffles. They’re “spicy,” I swear!
My Plate
I could be savoring gourmet cuisine, and you would still ask for a bite, only to remind me that your palate is limited to beige foods doused in ketchup. Thanks for the unexpected food donation, by the way — I was done eating anyway!
My Scissors
I once had a fantastic pair of scissors. Now I’m left with some kid-friendly safety scissors that are sticky and barely cut through paper.
My Adult Conversations
Is it too much to ask for a moment of peace? It’s hard to console a friend going through a divorce while you’re yelling about your latest bathroom achievement. Why is it that you only seek my attention when I’m on the phone?
One day, when I’m old and gray, you’ll be the ones helping me pack up my belongings. And I can already hear you saying, “Sorry, Mom, for wrecking your house and dreams.” Then, I’ll probably end up in a care home while you visit every Sunday, undoubtedly to “borrow” my Jell-O.
Here’s hoping you’ll bless me with some grandchildren just like you — and may those little rascals take revenge on you someday!
With love,
Mom