Dear America,
I’ve been up since 6 AM wrestling with a 37-page lesson plan from our school’s latest educational app, so let’s get straight to it: please, go home. I’m pleading with you on behalf of every parent trying to juggle homeschooling right now. I simply cannot do this again come fall; I’m exhausted.
I understand you want everything to reopen, Karen. Believe me, I feel the same way! I haven’t stepped outside in weeks, and let me tell you, my conversations with my houseplants have taken a turn for the emotionally intense. I’m hiding in the bathroom just to scream into a towel without disruption. Every parent I know is fed up with our homes and families, and we’re itching to get out. But you know what I want even more, Karen? To not be stuck homeschooling these kids in October.
Let’s be real: I’m not a teacher. I had to Google how to do long division. I barely know what a quadrilateral is. I’m just hoping my kids remember how to read by the time we’re on the other side of this. Parents everywhere are struggling. We need schools to reopen in the fall, but that can only happen if we all STAY HOME RIGHT NOW.
What was that, Mike? You want to return to work? I totally understand! I just took a conference call from my closet, discussing contract terms over my pile of laundry while my daughter yelled that her cat was stuck in a tree. And let’s not forget about my kid’s teacher, who is currently managing lesson plans for 22 kids while juggling her own. None of this was part of the job description, and risking her life to return to the classroom before it’s safe is not something any teacher should have to face. They’re underpaid as it is, Mike!
And yes, I know you think this is an overreaction, Susan. You believe the virus is being exaggerated just to keep you from getting your nails done. I get it—my nails are terrible too! But honestly, Susan? I couldn’t care less about any conspiracy theories regarding hairstylists or nail salons. The virus is still dangerous and it’s keeping me home with my kids, who insist on playing the same Disney soundtrack for the fifteenth time today. I will not survive six more months of this, Susan.
But let’s entertain this scenario for a moment. We throw caution to the wind and open everything up. It seems great for a week until Gary over there starts coughing. He ends up in the hospital, and since we were all together, we’re all at risk. What does that mean? Another shutdown. And do you know what that means for me, Gary? My kids at home again for months while I try to decipher a lesson plan I barely understand, all while working and trying to keep my sanity.
Okay, I have to run. My son has a Zoom class in five minutes, and I think he’s locked himself in the pantry.
Listen, I know this message might not sit well with many of you. You might want to call me names, but if it helps, my kids have come up with much worse over the last few weeks. So, take a moment to breathe. If that doesn’t work, go hide in the bathroom and scream into a towel—it really does help. Remember, we all want the same things: open beaches, busy restaurants, and schools where our kids can go for seven hours a day. We can get there, but first, you need to GO HOME. Okay? Okay.
For more insights on navigating these challenging times, check out this resource on pregnancy and home insemination, or dive into some practical advice about self insemination here.