Can you do self-insemination at home ?
I’m not sure if it’s due to the significant changes in my life over the past few years—like coming out as bisexual, going through a divorce, distancing myself from my upbringing, relocating, and navigating a pandemic—or if it’s simply that I’m reaching an age where my own mortality feels more pressing. Lately, I find myself trapped in a continuous, low-key existential dilemma.
Thoughts on Mortality
Here’s a glimpse into my thought process: Eventually, I will die. That’s fine; it’s a universal truth. Everyone faces death. I can accept that. But then I wonder about my consciousness. What becomes of it after I pass away? The thought of my consciousness either vanishing entirely or transforming beyond recognition is utterly frightening.
Our thoughts shape our identity, so what happens when those thoughts cease to exist or morph into something unrecognizable? Are we still ourselves, or do we simply… cease to be? How can we be so aware and self-reflective one moment and non-existent the next? Is it a comforting notion that I won’t experience grief over my own absence because I won’t be around to feel it? I find little solace in that idea.
Everyday Reflections
These reflections hit me while I’m engaged in everyday tasks—washing dishes, folding laundry, walking the dog, or driving to appointments. My thoughts spiral into a near nihilistic state: if we are just fleeting moments of consciousness tethered to a tiny planet in the vast cosmos, what’s the point of caring about anything? Does anything hold significance? If nothing is everlasting, what is the purpose of it all?
Even if you adhere to spiritual or religious beliefs about an afterlife, one can reasonably deduce that any form of consciousness after death will be vastly different from our current experience. Most of what we obsess over—home decor, skincare routines, workplace conflicts—may seem trivial when viewed against the backdrop of the universe’s enormity and the infinite continuum of time. Even if you were to ascend to Heaven, you wouldn’t arrive there as the same person.
The Miracle of Consciousness
However, if nothing is permanent and nothing truly matters, then perhaps the very existence of anything that feels significant is itself a miracle. Consciousness, regardless of its origin—whether born from chance or intelligent design—is a marvel. Consider the countless life forms on this planet that cannot recognize themselves in a mirror or ponder their own mortality. It truly is extraordinary.
I particularly fear losing my consciousness concerning those I love. Coming out as bisexual in my late thirties, I spent so long uncertain of my identity. Now that I’ve discovered who I am, I’ve found a partner I adore more than I ever thought possible, and it feels like time is slipping away. My partner lives 1,400 miles away, and I worry about dying before we can build a life together. Even if we are granted a solid forty years, what happens after we pass? And what about my children? Where does our love go when we are no longer living? That thought terrifies me.
Understanding Transformation
I understand that energy transforms, yet I also realize that my consciousness and the love I hold for my partner and children stem from chemical reactions in my brain. What occurs when I no longer have a brain? The notion that all the love I’ve cultivated and the connections I’ve formed will likely vanish upon my death is daunting. I understand why many turn to religion for comfort, believing that death simply brings about a transformation rather than an end. It would be wonderful to believe that, but I cannot. To claim otherwise would be to deceive myself in an attempt to escape my fear of mortality.
Seeking Discussion
When I search for “existential crisis,” I find mostly results linking to mental health resources discussing anxiety and depression. I can understand how these thoughts could become overwhelming, but for me, they are not something I wish to suppress or dismiss. Instead, it feels like an enormous elephant in the room that we should be discussing more openly. Recognizing the preciousness of life could transform our perspective on many issues. When approached correctly, existential crises can foster gratitude and empathy.
My ongoing existential dilemma doesn’t overshadow my every moment, but when it does become overwhelming, I try to redirect that energy into appreciating the miracle of being alive—even in mundane tasks like folding laundry or grocery shopping. If I view consciousness as a miracle, it makes sense not to squander my time worrying about how long I have left.
So, most days, when these thoughts arise, I find myself feeling grateful for my consciousness and resolved not to waste it. Right after I finish my taxes.
Further Reading
For more reflections on this topic, check out this blog post that explores similar themes. And if you’re looking for expert insights on related subjects, this resource offers valuable information worth considering. Additionally, Kindbody provides excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination.
Search Queries
- What is an existential crisis?
- How to deal with existential angst?
- Signs of an existential crisis?
- Existential crisis and mental health
- Coping mechanisms for existential dread
Summary
This article explores the author’s ongoing existential crisis, prompted by significant life changes and the inevitability of death. The author grapples with questions about consciousness, identity, and the meaning of existence, drawing a distinction between the temporary nature of life and the miraculous experience of consciousness. Ultimately, the author finds solace in gratitude for the present moment, emphasizing the importance of appreciating life despite its impermanence.