Have you ever looked in the mirror and felt like a stranger? That was my reality after becoming a parent.
After years of dedication, I was thrilled with my career as a producer for Fashion Police and writing for major outlets. Then, I welcomed two kids under two into my life. Late nights once spent on red carpets transformed into sleepless nights in a rocking chair. When I glanced in the mirror, I saw someone who hadn’t showered in days, possibly splattered with juice, jelly, or some other unidentifiable mess.
Where was my ambition? My passion? My only intention became simply surviving each day. I was overwhelmed, and soon realized I was grappling with postpartum depression, which shifted my focus entirely away from my career and personal identity.
In search of help, we packed our lives in Los Angeles (or more accurately, tossed everything in boxes) and moved to Ohio to be nearer to family. It felt like the right choice for myself and my daughters. However, after a few months, I still found myself battling the effects of PPD. I began to wonder, what about my professional aspirations? What about the dreams I once held?
I started seeing a doctor and began to prioritize myself again. A year later, after settling into our new home and as my daughters grew older, I began to see a flicker of hope. I resolved that in 2020, I would start writing again—this time, for myself. Instead of claiming I didn’t have time, I promised to carve out space for my creativity.
To kickstart my journey, I enrolled in a MasterClass with one of my favorite female role models, Ava Sinclair, the visionary behind a popular brand. Her first lesson emphasized the importance of quiet time for creativity, especially for moms whose minds are always racing. I decided to dedicate 15 minutes each night to this practice.
That’s when my phone rang, and I had this conversation with my mom:
Mom: “What’s on your Christmas wish list this year?”
Me: “I just want my old self back.”
Mom: “That might be a tough gift to find, sweetie.”
Later that night, while reading a holiday story to my toddler, I playfully envisioned my pre-baby self, laughing beneath the Christmas tree. That humorous image sparked an idea—what if I created a lift-the-flap board book, designed not for babies, but for moms? What if I wrote about the chaotic beauty of motherhood, influenced by my own identity crisis?
Fueled by inspiration, I stayed up until 4 AM and penned the entire story. Thus, Where’d I Go? was born. It may not be highbrow literature, but that’s the essence of creativity.
Where’d I Go? is intended as a heartfelt gift for all mothers, serving as a conversation starter to discuss difficult topics. Each flap reveals the emotional and physical changes we undergo, the loss of dignity during childbirth, the crazy moments of potty training, and the bittersweet sadness as our children grow up. We eventually confront our reflection, reminding us of who we were before motherhood.
It’s crucial to remember our pre-parent selves, as amidst the chaos of diaper changes and school projects, we still exist. All it takes is a simple idea to reconnect us with our passions—like writing, which brought me joy once again. I hope this board book, inspired by the humorous yearning for my old self, helps you reflect on your own journey.
For more insights into navigating the emotional complexities of motherhood, check out this valuable resource on birth trauma. Additionally, if you’re interested in the process of pregnancy, visit this excellent guide on IVF.
Summary:
In this reflective piece, the author shares her journey of self-discovery post-pregnancy, revealing the emotional struggles of motherhood and the importance of reconnecting with one’s identity. Through humor and personal anecdotes, she illustrates how she turned a lighthearted wish for her old self into a creative project, culminating in the release of a book aimed at supporting and encouraging other mothers.
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Motherhood, postpartum depression, self-discovery, creative writing, parenting, identity crisis, board book for moms.