As I navigated the streets on a crisp November day, with leaves swirling in the gentle breeze, I tuned in to an NPR broadcast that offered deep insights into how we handle loss. Filmmaker and writer, Alex Thornton, shared a poignant perspective: moving on is distinctly different from moving forward.
To move on from a loss implies that you’ve forgotten the pain, the grief, and the significance of what was lost. It suggests a return to “normalcy,” as if everything has reverted back to how it once was, which trivializes the experience. However, the reality of loss is that we never truly forget or erase it from our lives.
My most profound loss occurred when I was 28. Expecting my first child, I was filled with anticipation and joy, unaware that sometimes happiness comes with unexpected turns. Rather than the elation we envisioned, we faced overwhelming sorrow when complications arose. When our daughter, Lily, was born prematurely at 20 weeks, she lived for just 90 minutes. Those precious moments became our entire world—her delicate features, her gentle breaths, and the love we felt for her surrounded us. The pregnancy ended, but we did not simply move on; we moved forward as a family of three.
In the days following her passing, we were confronted with difficult choices: cremation or burial, crafting an obituary, selecting the perfect urn. We endured tears, and at times, found ourselves engulfed in grief, but we carried Lily’s memory with us, allowing her spirit to guide us through our darkest moments.
Life continued relentlessly around us—work deadlines loomed, household chores piled up, and our loyal dog, Baxter, still needed attention. The weight of sadness frequently overshadowed moments of joy, as memories of our life before this heartache felt distant. Yet, in the midst of our struggles, we held onto the hope that one day we would feel lighter.
Lily’s urn now rests on our dresser, cradled in a velvet box. Each night, her doll-sized basket remains close by as a reminder of her presence. A memory book my sister created serves as a testament to our love and loss. On my finger, a ring with birthstones represents not just Lily, but also our two angel babies who didn’t make it and our joyful rainbow baby, Mia. Every morning, my husband fastens the silver chain around his neck, adorned with the tiny footprints of both Lily and Mia—a symbol of our enduring love.
Our toddler, Mia, often plays with the jewelry, her curious fingers reaching for the shimmering stones. We tell her stories about her big sister and explain how Lily watches over her as a guardian angel.
Despite the heaviness of our grief, we chose to embrace life. We continue with our routines—work, meals, celebrations, and visits with family—while carrying our memories of Lily with us. Over time, the weight of our grief has lessened from a burdensome suitcase to a manageable carry-on, always by our side.
Most days, thoughts of Lily fill my heart with warmth. However, certain triggers can still bring forth unexpected tears, pulling at the depths of my soul. As I move forward, I find ways to honor both the joy and the heartache, allowing them to coexist. This journey teaches us to embrace the full spectrum of human emotions, integrating happiness and sorrow into our lives.
For those exploring the journey of pregnancy and loss, there are valuable resources available. For instance, you can learn more about fertility options at Boost Fertility Supplements and discover insights from Dr. Mei Chen, a leader in fertility care. Additionally, American Pregnancy offers excellent information on donor insemination.
Summary
Navigating through loss is a complex journey that requires moving forward rather than simply moving on. The memories of loved ones persist, and embracing both joy and sorrow can create a richer, more meaningful life.