We were utterly worn out. Just a day after welcoming our adopted newborn, we found ourselves stranded in another state, navigating the complex ICPC process. This procedure requires both the state from which we were adopting and our home state to confirm that everything about the adoption is legitimate. Until both states reached an agreement, we were stuck in Missouri, leading me to miss crucial days of teaching as I prepared for final exams for my seventy college writing students. Meanwhile, my husband was busy with his work at an accounting firm.
The ICPC process can last anywhere from a few days to several weeks, and in some extreme cases, even months. It certainly feels like an eternity. Adoptive parents often find themselves relying on the decisions of government officials, social workers, and attorneys, leaving their lives in a kind of limbo.
Fortunately, my husband’s job provided a remarkable benefit—paid adoption leave. Not just a few days, but a full four weeks. Yet, even today, eleven years later, many employers still do not offer adoptive parents the same parental leave benefits that biological parents enjoy, and that is simply unacceptable.
Some may argue that adoptive parents shouldn’t receive the same leave since we did not experience pregnancy or childbirth. But this line of thinking overlooks the crucial bonding time that adoptive families need to establish a strong connection with their new child. Nicole Greene, the director of Family Connections, emphasized to Home Insemination Kit that adoptive parents and their children—known as adoptees—require time to bond, especially since the child hasn’t been with them for the typical nine-month gestation period. For older children, this transitional phase is vital for their long-term emotional health and sense of stability.
During the nine months of pregnancy, my four biological children formed connections with their birth mothers, becoming familiar with their voices and heartbeats. That essential period abruptly ends when a child is handed from their birth mother to their adoptive parents, and it’s a significant moment. Some in the adoption community refer to this disconnection as “the primal wound,” believing it can lead to trauma for the adoptee.
For older children who have lived in orphanages, foster homes, or group settings—and who may have experienced multiple transitions—time is essential for acclimating to their new family. If adoptive parents are forced to return to work just days—or even hours—after finalizing the adoption, when can that critical bonding take place?
Greene also pointed out that parents need time to emotionally adjust to the new family dynamics, which includes establishing routines for themselves, the adoptee, and any siblings. Adoption is often unpredictable, leading to a lack of preparation.
Take my own experience: one day I was painting my kitchen and grading essays, and the next I was driving out of state to meet my new daughter. While we had prepared with baby supplies thanks to generous friends and family, we were not yet parents. There were no months of cravings or gender-reveal parties; motherhood happened in an instant.
The moment I met my daughter was surreal. We signed paperwork and followed our social worker to the interim care parents’ home. As soon as the door opened, I heard, “She’s hungry and poopy, Mom!” I realized that the woman was speaking to me—I was officially a mom!
Due to ICPC regulations, we spent nearly five days after gaining custody at a friend’s house and then a hotel. Those hours were filled with bonding moments: holding, feeding, and bathing our newborn. We learned about her personality and preferences, excited to embrace our new arrival.
Some families opt to “cocoon” with their new child, focusing solely on bonding without outside visitors. However, this is often only feasible for those with paid leave or substantial savings. Taking unpaid leave after incurring high adoption fees is not realistic for many families.
After our first two adoptions, my husband’s company eliminated paid adoption leave, forcing him to use all his vacation days during the ICPC process. This left him with no days for sick leave or important appointments. It was challenging but manageable—thanks to the flexible, family-friendly nature of his workplace. However, many members of my large adoption support group lack this option.
Fortunately, when we adopted our fourth child, my husband’s company reinstated paid adoption leave, granting him four weeks to navigate the ICPC process and bond with our newborn. This time, we had three other children who also needed to connect with their new sister. Those weeks were invaluable; we spent time together, creating memories before returning home.
Greene highlights the necessity of paid adoption leave not only for bonding but also for practical matters, such as securing childcare. Many daycares have long waitlists, and finding a qualified babysitter or nanny can take significant time. If parents must return to work immediately after adoption, who will care for the child? Additionally, many daycares won’t accept infants under six weeks old. It’s beneficial for parents to bond during this crucial period.
For those adopting children with special needs, establishing care with medical professionals, initiating IEP plans, and helping their child adjust can take weeks, months, or even years. Offering paid leave would allow parents to set their children up for success from the start.
While some companies provide short-term disability or maternity/paternity leave for biological parents, adoptive parents frequently face tough choices between their child’s well-being and their job. Providing paid adoption leave signals that employers value the mental and emotional health of their employees and their families. Greene noted, “Happy and healthy employees are the most productive, making parental leave beneficial for employers as well.”
Ultimately, the decision to offer paid adoption leave often comes down to finances. If employers want to demonstrate genuine care for their employees, they must acknowledge the needs of the entire family, including the newest member.
In conclusion, the need for paid parental leave for adoptive parents is critical for fostering healthy family dynamics and ensuring that new parents have the time they need to bond with their children. The emotional and practical benefits of such policies are undeniable, and it’s time for employers to step up and support all families equally.