I’ve never been great at disciplining my kids. Growing up, I feared making mistakes or testing limits because I faced harsh consequences for my misbehavior. When I became a parent, I vowed to avoid those methods, but I was unprepared for the constant pushback from my children. I often found myself wondering why they couldn’t just make life easier for us both by listening.
The truth is, kids have their own thoughts and feelings. As adults, we sometimes think children shouldn’t get upset over trivial matters, like a pink fork not being available for their meal. This can lead to frustration when they throw tantrums over seemingly insignificant issues. Despite having raised my kids for seventeen years, I still feel flustered when they react in ways I don’t comprehend or expect. I regret that it took until they were older, able to articulate their feelings, for me to realize that their reactions often stem from their inner emotions.
For instance, I remember a time when my daughter was upset about a friendship issue at school. In her frustration, she became sassy, refusing to do her chores and storming around the house. Instead of taking a moment to understand what was bothering her, my knee-jerk reaction was to punish her by taking away her phone. I was focused on her attitude and getting her to complete her chores, failing to consider what was really going on.
I certainly won’t be winning any “Parent of the Year” awards, but we’re all learning as we go, right? Since their early years, my instinct has often been to either give in to my kids or discipline them when they acted out. Many parents find themselves in this position, especially when faced with a toddler throwing a tantrum in a public place over something trivial.
But I came across an enlightening article that completely shifted my perspective on handling difficult situations with kids. It was written by parenting expert Mia Thompson for Working Mother and titled “The Discipline Strategy That Stops Tantrums And Bossy Behavior In Its Tracks.” This piece is essential reading for all parents.
Thompson emphasizes that when we acknowledge our children’s emotions and communicate that we understand how they feel, it can often resolve the underlying issues behind their challenging behavior. She suggests starting our responses with phrases like, “It sounds like…” or “It seems you feel…” followed by a word that captures their emotion. The wonderful thing about children is that they will happily correct us if we’re misinterpreting their feelings.
By maintaining our boundaries and engaging with them without punishing or giving in, we can demonstrate compassion and let them know that life won’t always go their way. It’s perfectly normal for them to feel angry, sad, or frustrated, just as it is for adults. We wouldn’t want to be punished for experiencing these emotions ourselves.
It can be excruciating and embarrassing when our kids cry or act out over not getting their way. In fact, I believe this is one of the most challenging aspects of parenting, which is why it’s a frequent topic of discussion. Thompson explains that when we feel overwhelmed and just want the behavior to stop, we often compromise our boundaries. This can lead to insecurity in children, as they become unclear about who holds the authority in the family.
Reflecting on my own experiences, I recognized many moments where I had unintentionally dropped my boundaries to appease my child in the moment. However, I also recalled a time when I successfully applied these insights. My son, who was in diapers until age four, resisted potty training. One day at the beach, he had a messy accident, and I had to change his diaper while he kicked and screamed, unwilling to cooperate.
I acknowledged his frustration, letting him know I understood how hard it was for him to be missing out on playtime. After I quickly changed him, he came to me with tears in his eyes, apologizing for his behavior. That evening, he successfully used the potty for the first time, realizing he needed to adapt if he wanted to enjoy uninterrupted playtime.
I didn’t want to force him through that diaper change, nor did I wish to deal with a tantrum. But I knew I couldn’t allow him to run around in such a state. By acknowledging and validating his feelings, I empowered him to make his own choices, leading to a positive outcome.
This approach makes so much sense when you consider that adults crave similar validation in their relationships. If it helps reduce tantrums and reinforces the boundaries we have set, it’s a win-win situation for everyone involved.
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Summary:
Acknowledging and validating our children’s emotions is essential in parenting. Instead of resorting to punishment or giving in to their demands, we can foster understanding by engaging with their feelings. This approach not only strengthens our relationship with them but also reinforces healthy boundaries. By recognizing their emotional experiences, we empower them to make better choices and navigate their feelings more effectively.